By Jeff Whitten, Contributor.
Welcome to week whatever of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, which is being written by a retired hack editor because most of the good writers are in PR where they can show off their vocabulary with words like “amazing” and “intrinsic” and “crevice” and “lowcountry charm.”
And “pillowy,” and “supercalafragalisticexpealadiouscious” which may or may not be spelled right.
You know what’s interesting? It’s interesting you never see a PR pro write “greasy grimy gopher guts,” to describe homes in a new subdivision, even when they should.
Also, we’re on a short rope this week because the retired hack editor promised his wife he would go fishing or something rather than mess around with work he’s not even getting paid for, bless his funny- looking little heart. So without further ado here are this week’s standings: In first with 24 misses apiece are Mike Brown, who has forgotten more sports than most of us will ever know, and Ben Taylor, who is so short he makes Danny Devito look like a bigfoot, and Ted O’Neal, who is taller than most bigfeet but too clean shaven to be a bigfoot. He might be an honorary one, or from the hairless Siamese branch of bigfeets.
In second is the Rev. Lawrence Butler, who has 25 misses. He’s a good egg.
In third with 26 misses are Noah Covington, who in high school played Fonzie in the musical Grease; and Mike Clark, who has a gaggle of grumpy groupies. “That’s just my grumpy groupie gaggle,” Mike says, whenever anyone asks.
Carter “Pius Pipsqueamious” Infinger is in fourth with 27 misses. Once he retires from county government he’s going to get into creating TikTok videos in which he does the Dougie dance, Carter style. That’s right, that’s right.
B.J. Clark, the genius behind the PMFL, is in fifth place with 30 misses. B.J. is retired Navy and will snatch your eyebrows off and make you eat them if you don’t clear the deck and pipe down over there.
Dr. Gene Wallace is in sixth with 35 misses. Gene’s the funniest retired dentist in Bryan County. Has anyone ever seen a photo of Gene with hair on top of his head? It was all curly and tall, like Dolly Parton’s or the Duke of Wellington’s.
Chief Freddy Howell is in seventh place with 37 misses so far. Freddy’s from Waycross originally, but has some distant ancestors up here in Bryan County. They rode a wagon train here, thinking they were going to California.
Jeff Whitten, your scribe, is not in last place with 38 misses. In last place is Alex Floyd, scion of the royal Pine Tree Floyds of North Bryan. He has 308 misses.
This week’s picks. All involve teams from South Carolina in honor of Whitten, an nth generation South Carolinian.
Jacksonville State vs. South Carolina: That maniac Carter Infinger only one to pick J-ville State.
Notre Dame vs. Clemson: Alex and Carter take the Tigers, who are fixing to fire their coach.
Furman vs. Chattanooga: The smart ones pick Chattanooga.
Tennessee State vs. Charleston Southern: Ditto, except swap out Tennessee State.
Western Carolina vs. Wofford: Whitten the only one to pick the Terriers, because Terriers are fearsome beasts who will bite you on the tip.
Allen vs. Benedict: Mike Clark, Whitten and Dr. Gene Parton pick Allen.
Mercer vs. Citadel: The Military College of South Carolina has a great silent drill team at their home stadium.
Coastal Carolina vs. Old Dominion: Most of the PMFL sides with ODU. They’re wrong, but that’s ok.
Howard vs. South Carolina State: SCSU has four NFL Hall of Famers amongst its alumni.
Wingate vs. Newberry: Ted, Noah and Mike Brown take Wingate. The rest of us take Carter’s alma mater and the place that turned him loose on the rest of humanity.
Have a great weekend and Go Gamecocks.