For many women, the road to delivering a healthy baby is interrupted by loss and struggle. Miscarriages can take away a baby whose life felt so close to its mother.
For women and couples experiencing a miscarriage, it can be a difficult time to navigate in a society that doesnt want to talk about grief. Women tend to stay quiet about the event, especially since it occurs before they tell others about their pregnancies, but it is a common result of conception.
While some women may not grieve much especially if they didnt know they were pregnant to begin with the experience can be traumatic to others, Holly Willard, LCSW, Clinical Director for James Mason Centers for Recovery said. Willard, a grief counselor, experienced three miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy after struggling with infertility.
My first baby I felt like I knew their soul, Willard said.
She said that even with her training in grief counseling, her losses affected her strongly.
When you find out that youre pregnant, you start planning to the birth of your child and to their first words and walking and their first days of school and junior high and getting married and you see their whole life, she said. So youre grieving the dreams you had for that child and what they were going to be.
What can parents do?
For grieving couples, Willard recommends talking about your grief with one another and respecting how the other persons feelings. She said everybody grieves differently and that grieving is not linear. Some people may experience denial and anger one day, accept the death another day and get stuck in the depression stage for awhile.
Grief is like a wave. You may feel OK one day and a wave hits and you may feel terrible again, Willard said.
She encouraged couples to remember to connect and check in with each other regularly. Therapy can aid in the process, whether that is individual or couple therapy or a mix of both, she said.
Individuals can also benefit from talking about their loss, being kind to themselves as they are grieving and attending counseling with a trusted therapist.
Women should also take care to eat healthy foods, keep active and get enough sleep, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services recommends.
Keeping a pregnancy blog or journal can also help women process their grief. Support groups at hospitals or in the community can also be a valuable resource for women looking for others who have experienced similar losses. For online support or to just read others experiences, discussion boards like those on The Bump or BabyCenter can be helpful.
What can families and friends do?
While many expecting mothers wait to tell people of their pregnancy, Willard recommends building a support network early in the pregnancy. She said she shared the news of her pregnancies with people whose support she would need later on.
I decided, you know, the people who I would need to support me during a miscarriage, Im going to tell that Im pregnant anyway, she said.
Willard recommended asking someone in your inner circle to call additional family members or friends to let them know of the miscarriage, rather than breaking the painful news to every single person.
Those who want to reach out to a couple who has lost a baby should, but they should withhold advice or attempts to tell a mother they understand her grief, Willard said.
Otherwise, she said, proceed as normal, inviting them to events but understanding if they dont attend especially if children may be there. And, share pregnancy announcements with them, too. Withholding that can backfire, causing them to be hurt that you didnt tell them, Willard said.
How can parents talk to children about the miscarriage of a sibling?
When Willard was pregnant with triplets and lost the twins in the set, she and her husband pulled her older two children out of school and took them to lunch to tell them what happened. She said its important to tell children early and if possible, as a couple.
You can use your religious beliefs to help explain but use concrete language, she said. Like, The baby is dead. The baby that was in moms belly. Theres nothing we could do, its just sometimes babies arent healthy enough. Explain a little bit of that process, you dont need to go into details.
Ask them about their feelings and give them an opportunity to talk through their feelings. Willard says that five years later, her children will occasionally bring up the miscarriage of the babies.
She also said its important to let them know of plans surrounding the miscarriage, such as who will be taking care of them during any procedures or doctor appointments.
How can parents memorialize, remember the baby?
Some parents may find peace or closure in memorializing their baby. Giving the baby a name whether its a nickname or something more formal can make it easier to talk about the baby.
For parents who want to do something physically, releasing balloons, planting a memorial garden, wearing baby-themed jewelry or donating to a relevant cause are some common practices for parents who had miscarriages. Those who want to be a part of something bigger can light a candle with others on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On Oct. 15 every year, parents will burn a candle from 7 p.m.- 8p.m. for the babies they have lost.
For women and couples experiencing a miscarriage, it can be a difficult time to navigate in a society that doesnt want to talk about grief. Women tend to stay quiet about the event, especially since it occurs before they tell others about their pregnancies, but it is a common result of conception.
While some women may not grieve much especially if they didnt know they were pregnant to begin with the experience can be traumatic to others, Holly Willard, LCSW, Clinical Director for James Mason Centers for Recovery said. Willard, a grief counselor, experienced three miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy after struggling with infertility.
My first baby I felt like I knew their soul, Willard said.
She said that even with her training in grief counseling, her losses affected her strongly.
When you find out that youre pregnant, you start planning to the birth of your child and to their first words and walking and their first days of school and junior high and getting married and you see their whole life, she said. So youre grieving the dreams you had for that child and what they were going to be.
What can parents do?
For grieving couples, Willard recommends talking about your grief with one another and respecting how the other persons feelings. She said everybody grieves differently and that grieving is not linear. Some people may experience denial and anger one day, accept the death another day and get stuck in the depression stage for awhile.
Grief is like a wave. You may feel OK one day and a wave hits and you may feel terrible again, Willard said.
She encouraged couples to remember to connect and check in with each other regularly. Therapy can aid in the process, whether that is individual or couple therapy or a mix of both, she said.
Individuals can also benefit from talking about their loss, being kind to themselves as they are grieving and attending counseling with a trusted therapist.
Women should also take care to eat healthy foods, keep active and get enough sleep, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services recommends.
Keeping a pregnancy blog or journal can also help women process their grief. Support groups at hospitals or in the community can also be a valuable resource for women looking for others who have experienced similar losses. For online support or to just read others experiences, discussion boards like those on The Bump or BabyCenter can be helpful.
What can families and friends do?
While many expecting mothers wait to tell people of their pregnancy, Willard recommends building a support network early in the pregnancy. She said she shared the news of her pregnancies with people whose support she would need later on.
I decided, you know, the people who I would need to support me during a miscarriage, Im going to tell that Im pregnant anyway, she said.
Willard recommended asking someone in your inner circle to call additional family members or friends to let them know of the miscarriage, rather than breaking the painful news to every single person.
Those who want to reach out to a couple who has lost a baby should, but they should withhold advice or attempts to tell a mother they understand her grief, Willard said.
Otherwise, she said, proceed as normal, inviting them to events but understanding if they dont attend especially if children may be there. And, share pregnancy announcements with them, too. Withholding that can backfire, causing them to be hurt that you didnt tell them, Willard said.
How can parents talk to children about the miscarriage of a sibling?
When Willard was pregnant with triplets and lost the twins in the set, she and her husband pulled her older two children out of school and took them to lunch to tell them what happened. She said its important to tell children early and if possible, as a couple.
You can use your religious beliefs to help explain but use concrete language, she said. Like, The baby is dead. The baby that was in moms belly. Theres nothing we could do, its just sometimes babies arent healthy enough. Explain a little bit of that process, you dont need to go into details.
Ask them about their feelings and give them an opportunity to talk through their feelings. Willard says that five years later, her children will occasionally bring up the miscarriage of the babies.
She also said its important to let them know of plans surrounding the miscarriage, such as who will be taking care of them during any procedures or doctor appointments.
How can parents memorialize, remember the baby?
Some parents may find peace or closure in memorializing their baby. Giving the baby a name whether its a nickname or something more formal can make it easier to talk about the baby.
For parents who want to do something physically, releasing balloons, planting a memorial garden, wearing baby-themed jewelry or donating to a relevant cause are some common practices for parents who had miscarriages. Those who want to be a part of something bigger can light a candle with others on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On Oct. 15 every year, parents will burn a candle from 7 p.m.- 8p.m. for the babies they have lost.