HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Secretary Defense James Mattis issued a warning Monday, calling North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un a clear and present nuclear danger both to the United States as well as to the world. In response, President Trump just sent a biological weapon to North Korea. It’s called Dennis Rodman.
NBA legend Rodman landed in North Korea for basketball diplomacy with his pal Kim Jung Un. It’s his first visit in three years. It harkens back to a simpler and more innocent time when Dennis Rodman going to North Korea was the weirdest thing you could imagine in American politics.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions stood his ground in Senate hearings Tuesday probing alleged Russian meddling in the campaign. It’s absurd. By the time Congress is finished investigating, it will be clear that Bill Cosby colluded with the Russians to interfere with the integrity of our erections.
Senate Democrats wanted to know if Sessions, a Confederate senator, U.S. judge and Eagle Scout Baby Boomer raised in the Cold War, colluded with Russians. Are you kidding me? Next they’re going to see if a leprechaun who rode a unicorn into Brigadoon killed Nicole Brown Simpson.
The White House denied reports Tuesday that Trump is planning to fire Special Counsel Bob Mueller. The U.S. Congress is going to spend millions in investigations only to find out that Baby Boomers can’t collude with the Russians. That would violate our 40-year deal with the Colombians.
The Golden State Warriors won the NBA title Monday but they said they’ve made no decision on whether they will visit the White House. Here we go again. If Trump doesn’t invite them, they will say it’s because he’s racist, so he must invite them so they can turn him down because he’s racist.
Melania Trump moved into the White House over the weekend after spending five months in New York getting their son through his school year. It wasn’t a moment too soon. Melania could win the Nobel Peace Prize just by giving Trump something better to do at 2 in the morning than Tweet.
President Trump crashed a wedding party at his Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey where he spent the weekend. He obliged the couple by posing for wedding photos with them. It seems the bride wanted something old, something new, something borrowed and something orange.
The Las Vegas Sun reported ambulances were called to the Rio Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip Monday when two convention guests came up with Legionnaire’s Disease. It may have saved their lives. Their wives had warned them that they’d kill them if they came back from Vegas with an STD.
Bill Cosby’s defense lawyers rested their case after only six minutes Monday following a week of prosecution witnesses in Philadelphia. Times have changed since Bill’s heyday. Quaaludes were outlawed 35 years ago so now you have to read women your pilot script to get them to pass out.
Roman Polanski’s underage victim of 40 years ago asked an L.A. judge to end the case and end his fugitive status. Polanski won a Best Picture Oscar, had sex with a 13-year-old girl and his wife was murdered. Most Hollywood directors would be happy with just one of those three things.
The National Football League online store released statistics showing that Colin Kaepernick’s jersey is among the top selling jerseys in the U.S. The unsigned QB may catch on with a team in the CFL. Canadians don’t kneel during their national anthem unless they drop their bottle opener.
E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.