The city of Richmond Hill says it is taking suggestions on what to do with the Community House, which was built a million years ago by Henry Ford.
I have a few.
10.The Henry Ford Nunnery. As I understand it a nunnery is a place to grow nuns. I haven’t seen any hereabouts so there must be a shortage. Richmond Hill needs nuns.
9. The Henry Ford Avenue Upscale Bait, Tackle and Sushi Shop. Avid fishermen and foodies can get their TV Bait Shrimp there instead of having to drive all the way down to the IGA in Midway. For the uninitiated, some years back TV Bait Shrimp came in $3 boxes in the freezer section of the Midway IGA.
Written on the side of the bait shrimp box, which always looked about 40 years old, were the words, “good eating, too.” I personally have never been hungry enough to give bait shrimp a try. If I do ever get that hungry I’ll probably start with a box of frozen TV Bait Shrimp. Especially if they come from Richmond Hill, where bait is bound to taste better.
8. Dr. Gene’s Tater Logs and Dogs No. 1. The two main convenience store chains around here appear to be trying to see which can be more trendy and “upscale” and healthy and all that horrible mess. That means you don’t find many gas stations left where you can get old fashioned tater logs and fried chicken livers and possum shanks passed off as chicken tenders served by some guy who looks like he hasn’t changed t-shirts since Reagan was in the White House.
Anyway, if Colonel Sanders has Kentucky Friend Chicken, then surely retired a franchise should go to retired dentist and county commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, who I suspect is a fan of both UGA and those prehistoric mummified tater logs that sit under a heat lamp for 35 hours smelling up the entire store while the aroma coats your skin, making you irresistible to insects, reptiles and stray bats.
7. The Henry Ford Business Incubator. It can be a welcoming place for small businesses and entrepreneurs and non profits to get together and brainstorm big words to use in those grant applications. “The anomaly of our methodology indeed concurs and furthermore learning based identification requires a regimen of perceptive insightful endowment assistance financing.”
I’ve got an idea for a chain of restaurants myself — making what I like to call bean pizza. Basically, you get a regular frozen pepperoni and sausage pizza and dump a can of chili hot beans on it, then put it in the toaster oven for maybe 12 minutes. It’s wonderful. And it doesn’t have to be chili hot beans, either. Beanie weenies, pinto beans, navy beans and baby lima beans also should go good on pizza, especially with eggs.
6. The Henry Ford Free Bookstore. Like a library, sort of, only you’d call it a free bookstore and it would have Ford’s name on it.
5. The Ford Avenue Driving Academy and Range. Here’s where you can learn to A) Drive better and B) Practice your golf swing with a bucket of balls by seeing how many cars you can miss on Highway 144. C). You can also practice driving defensively by learning how to anticipate golf balls and swerve so they hit somebody else’s Land Rover because yours isn’t paid for either.
4. The Henry Ford Indoor Park. Or, the city’s living room. Yep, Richmond Hill is a welcoming town and loves to make you feel at home, so go on in and microwave some popcorn, pop open a cold refreshing beverage, take off your shoes, get in the recliner, grab the remote and find you something edifying to watch on the boob tube, courtesy taxpayers. I suggest binge watching anything with Bea Arthur in it. Boy is she funny.
3. The Henry Ford Community Bouncy House for Senior Citizens. Rubberize the floors and walls and pants and get the grannies to bouncing to the latest tunes from Glenn Miller’s Orchestra. What a fun way to relieve stress and get some exercise.
2. The Henry Ford Pembroke Mafia Football League Embassy. While it’s a little known fact at present, the truth is in about 25 years Pembroke is going to annex Richmond Hill so it’ll have a place to put people too upscale for the rest of us, and that means the Pembroke Mafia Football League might want to think about additional office space. Not that it has any office space now but down the road we might need some in which to expand operations.
1. Henry Ford’s Paranormal Junior College Hogwarts for Haints. It’ll be a real haunted house, but with tour guides and sororities and fraternities and professors of the paranormal. That’s because for years the place was a funeral home and most of us with any education at all understand that if any place is going to be haunted with real ghosts, it’ll probably be at an undertaker’s.