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Alexander the Great wins PMFL part two
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Great googly moogly and holy hip replacement, Batman. How ‘bout them Dawgs, everybody?

Yep, they hunkered their hairy selves down and won a ‘nuther college football championship. Let that sink in. Let this sink in, too, while we’re thinking.

Some folks in Athens, including plenty of pearshaped 50-year-old frat boys, are still passed out under picnic tables or in truck stop latrine stalls, such was the party Jan. 15.

Heck, even some non alumni are having a ball running around mooning people they suspect of being Alabama fans, and calling them all sorts of awful names. In your face, losers.

This should sober them up: If UGA stays true to form, the Bulldogs will win another championship in 2062. By that time Nick Saban and Alabama will have another 33 national titles, or something like that. Anyhow, now that that’s out of the way, welcome to a special postseason Pembroke Mafia Football League, a semi-regular exercise in football fun in which B.J. Clark sits in his recliner chomping on low sodium pork rinds and practicing the art of pigskinnery prognosticationism for a good cause.

This week, we’re excited to announce a special Alex Floyd Victory Celebration Lap to commemorate his winning the PMFL second- half shoot out. He’s also buying lunch and holding a press conference to announce his plans. Said press conference will occur at a time, date and place yet to be disclosed – though if you stop by his daddy’s place and knock on the door they’ll give you a free turkey sandwich, some Fritos and a Yoohoo. If they look at you funny just tell them BJ sent you.

Floyd, special projects manager for the city of Richmond Hill and someone who just a year ago didn’t know a football from a fruitcake, had only 17 misses over five weeks of hit-or-miss bowl games thanks to COVID-19.

It was, as our CEO B.J.

Clark points out, Floyd’s best season ever.

Because of that, Floyd is going to treat everyone in Bryan County to a free commemorative “PMFL Emperor Emeritus Alexander the Great Floyd For County Commission Chairman” t-shirt, beer coozie, bumper sticker and rubber key ring with a picture of an ermined Floyd sitting on a throne with one foot atop South Bryan and the other on North Bryan.

His slogan on his official Alexander the Great challenge coin will be “numquam timeo Alex audiat.”

In second place with 18 misses are yours truly, the editor and cabin lackey of this poor leaky vessel, also known as the SS Fish Wrap, along with B.J. Clark, who is retired Navy and a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164, County Administrator Ben Taylor, District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, who is known in the CIA and MI6 as “That Funny Dentist” and Fire and Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell, who is from a swamp near Waycross.

In third are Bob Floyd, the champ’s sleeveless-shirted daddy and owner of a good chunk of North Bryan’s coniferous forest; and the ancient and venerable king of sportswriters, the award winning Mike Brown who in addition to being beloved by just about everybody is also a former Marine officer or something like that.

We finished with 21 misses apiece. District 1 County Commissioner Noah “King of the North” Covington and his beard and current Chairman of the County Commission His Grand Poobahrajahmajatahalness and King Hobnobber and Goober-Smoocher Carter Infinger and his beard finished in a tie for third (or maybe fourth) with 22 misses apiece. That’s right, that’s right. Infinger now has a beard. You know, the way it’s going with these beards, the County Commission is going to look kind of like an Upscale Taliban. In Brooks Brothers suits.

Former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted “O’Neil,” who kept his head shaved because otherwise it would look like a Brillo pad and Mike Clark, our minister of tractor parts and the only one of us to have groupies, even if do they have beer bellies and smoke second hand stogies, are tied with 24 misses a piece and are somewhere down there in the muck and mire. The Rev. Lawrence Butler, PMFL spiritual troop leader and the one we appointed to run interference for us with the man upstairs, and Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene didn’t submit a last pick sheet, which led to this reply from Admiral Petty Officer B.J. Clark: “We cellar dwellers appreciate that consideration.”

He also offered up this thought to all those who participated this year, and apropos of nothing it’s worth noting we’ve got an alumni base of former PMFL participants that would make Harvard jealous. At least one could also crush me like a grape, and knows it. Anyhow, here’s what BJ said. “Thanks to all who played this year. It’s going to be a long dry spell until College football tees it up JUST ONE MORE TIME.”

He added: “If we do this next year I think we need a “powder puff” week when the wives pick against us; my wife constantly whips up on me. It’s been fun folks.”

It has. Thanks folks.

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