Jeff Whitten, Local Columnist.

Dear Reader, This column is a sum of its parts, or something like that. I’ll number them just to be fancy, but they’re not in any particular order. Sorry. Also, just for the record, I am not a fan of either political party. Both have factions that have lost their minds.

I gotta quit paying attention to politics. They’re starting to mess up my sleep. Just the other night I woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming President Trump beat me in a 5K and then rubbed it in, because, well, he would do that, wouldn’t he. And then, had this been real, he’d bulldoze the race route and turn it into a disco with gold commodes and a gold statue of himself holding up a trophy out front. I’m kidding. It would be gold-plated. Had I beaten him Trump would’ve ordered an FBI investigation into how I managed to commit fraud. Actually, because this was a dream, Trump beat me three or four times in the same race.

Each time he came from behind, loping by in sneakers and tube socks. And a pair of 1980s era gym shorts and a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. And, each time, Trump turned around and made goofy faces at me and the other runners. He might’ve even stuck out his tongue and crossed his eyes and made the L symbol at us losers. I blame the media. If they didn’t report stuff I wouldn’t read it and have weird dreams.

In honor of America’s 250th birthday someone wrote something about his favorite American from history or something along those lines. I didn’t read it, but liked the idea and am stealing it, sort of, since I can’t do just one. I’ve got at least five: George Washington, Jimmy Carter, Martin Luther King, Hank Aaron and H.L. Mencken. I pick Washington in large part because, out of all the truly great things he did, the greatest might be that he gave up power voluntarily.

It wasn’t all about him. I got Carter in because he lived his principles and his faith and made the world a better place. King is there because he was a great and courageous man, as was Aaron, who let his bat do much of the talking but was to the end a quiet and dignified reminder that content of character matters so much more than skin color, and always will. And then Mencken because he wrote stuff like this a long time ago: “On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” Now there’s a stable genius. Oh, and Mencken was a conservative, when he wasn’t busy being funny. I should know. I wrote a term paper on him in college. I have a lot more than five favorite Americans but don’t want to leave anybody out.

I know I am turning into a broken record about traffic but can’t help myself.

Every time I go somewhere it occurs to me that there are way too many people on the road and none of them know how to drive. Also, all of them either want to get there first or don’t know where they are going and keep getting in the wrong lane, but rather than going on ahead to a place where they can safely turn around they just stop and put a blinker on, even if it’s in the middle of I-95. Help.

Here’s another reason I can’t stand the news. Every other day some massive new development is announced like it’s a good thing. It ain’t. At the rate this place is growing there will be 2 million folks in the Coastal Empire before I shuffle off this mortal coil in a decade or so, and two thirds of them will be from up north and talk funny. Egads. Worse, there won’t be a tree left if those who can don’t start telling developers to stick their subdivisions somewhere else. Where the sun doesn’t shine seems like a good place to me.

Finally, I read somewhere that a small town in Quebec recently officially recognized trees as living beings with rights. Now there’s a tree ordinance worth its salt. Have a good one.

Now retired, Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.