By Jeff Whitten, Contributor.
Welcome to week 10 or 11 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and right off a disclaimer.
This thing was written on Tuesday, which also was also the day voters went to the polls to cast ballots in city elections and decide the fate of a sales tax enabling local government to buy and build more stuff for you, whether you want it or not and in truth you probably don’t but you’ll get it anyway.
Whew, that was a long sentence. The short of it is the PMFL extends its congratulations to the losers of Tuesday’s election, whoever they may be, for escaping office and the attached whims, demands, whines and online character assassinations spread by an increasingly weird and hard-to-satisfy populace whose sole reason for caring about anything is whether it increases their own material well-being.
OK, that was another long sentence. And yes, there are exceptions but they’re getting old.
Meanwhile, our condolences to the winners. As for the losers, go home and be thankful you dodged a bullet.
Also, before we get to the crux of this thing, remember Saturday is Veterans Day. That’s a day in which all us veterans can line up for free stuff, whether we ever got shot at or not. And that’s how it should be.
Mike Brown, the world’s neatest and most well-kept sportswriter, and Ted O’Neil, the Yeti of Ypsilanti, are in a tie for first with 28 misses apiece. Kudos to them and may onions sprout fulsomely from their various orifices. That’s an old Pembroke proverb, in case you didn’t know.
In second is a traffic jam of sorts – no surprise hereabouts, a traffic jam, what with all the transplants wandering about the place looking for Toledo –consisting of Mike Clark, Ben Taylor and Noah Covington with 29 misses each. Mike C. is our resident groupie collector, and has several with big hair and oddly-shaped beer butts they like to swaddle in spandex. Ben is county administrator and has a booster seat at county commission meetings so he’ll be able to see what’s going on and keep everybody straight, and he’s also from Ashburn, Fire Ant Capitol of the World, meaning Ben is part fire ant. Noah is a county commissioner and telecommunications giant, and is not only a heck of a nice guy but also much smarter than he looks. We call him Mr. French, King of the North or sometimes The Great Pumpkin.
The Rev. Lawrence “Liturgical Larry” Butler is in third with 30 misses. He’s the PMFL’s spiritual advisor and will hopefully keep us out of that “aitch eee double toothpicks” place once we kick the bucket and run out of gas for good.
Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pipsqueamious IX” Infinger is in fourth all by himself with 31 misses. Infinger is famous for saying things more than once. He deserves credit for getting impact fees established however, although that particular achievement is viewed with a jaundiced eye by those who would prefer taxpayers pick up the tab for all the strain their handiwork puts upon infrastructure and environment. All this population growth means two things in addition to all the extra traffic and kids needing a costly public education: It also means lots more garbage for landfills and more toilets flushing. Bah humbug.
B.J. Clark, retired Navy Petty Admiral and a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164, is in fifth with 35 misses. B.J. commands what’s left of the North Bryan Naval Task Force – a couple Bass Tracker pontoon boats and some life jackets that smell like fishbait gone past its use-by date by about six months.
Dr. Gene Wallace, who is both a retired dentist and a county commissioner, and also a very humorous human being, is in sixth place with 39 misses to date. B.J. picked on Gene last week, saying back when he had hair he might look like Dolly Parton or the Duke of Wellington, so we’ll cut him some slack this week. We don’t want to find any teeth under our pillows. That’s how dentists warn people off, you know. They keep a supply of used teeth just for that.
Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell is in seventh place with 40 misses. Freddy is from Waycross and likes nothing better than greasing up a pig with some Crisco and chasing it across a swamp to indian wrassle. Makes him feel at home.
Alex Floyd has 41 misses and is in eighth. Floyd, who is only 23, has worked for every government in Bryan County but Bryan County, might soon be rectifying that. He’ll start his own county.
In the cellar with 44 misses is me, The Whitten. Someone once said I look as if I was raised by raccoons. That came as a shock.
One more thing: This week a PMFL shout out to all our team mom’s, which includes Marsha Clark, Rose Mock and Judy Cook, whether they want to be or not. They’re in charge of making sure we have healthy snacks and don’t get into any fights or set anything on fire.
This week’s games: Georgia Southern vs. Marshall: It doesn’t matter, does it? Here are two once-proud I-AA programs now forever doomed to wallow in the middle of the massive FBS hindquarters.
Michigan vs. Penn State: Mike C. takes the Nittany Lions. That’s probably because Nittany sounds like the names of some of his groupies – you know, Brittany, Britteny, Brittney, etc. The Brittany Lions. Hah!
Ole Miss vs. UGA: I am the only one to take the Rebels because UGA is one of three programs I cannot in good conscience pull for. The other two are Ohio State and Clemson. All are pure evil.
USC vs. Oregon: I go out on another limb and take the Trojans whilst the rest of the PMFL takes the Ducks. Who names a football team after ducks? Only left-coast hippies, that’s who.
Georgia Tech vs. Clemson: Everybody but me and Mike B. take Clemson. Disclaimer: Some guys submitted late picks, and so this might not be accurate. In fact, none of this week’s picks might be accurate, but that’s the fun part about being in the PMFL. We just say whatever we want to, and if you believe it that’s your problem. In this day and time that’s probably enough to get us elected.
Navy vs. UAB: Mike C, Ben and Freddy the Teddy are the only ones to pick the Blazers. We know why Freddy picked them.
Valdosta vs. West Georgia: Everybody rolling with Chris Hatcher’s former team.
Alabama vs. Kentucky: B.J. only one to pick Kentucky. He’s a War Beagle.
Auburn vs. Arkansas: The smart ones among us pick the Razorbacks. Oh, and in a certain news feed Tuesday morning it was declared that Californians are increasingly moving to Arkansas. We got Ohio, they got California. Must’ve ran out of gas before they got this far east and south.
Utah vs. Washington: Utah will win or B.J. will eat frozen bait squid and Alex, our social media expert, will live stream it on Facebook.
That’s all for this week. Take it easy.
Jeff Whitten is the former editor of the Bryan County News.