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Jeff Whitten: Suggestions for the BKI
editor's notes

To whom it may concern, I’ll cut right to the chase: With all the hoopla about stuff going into the new Belfast Keller interchange, I’ve some suggestions on things you developers might want to build down to keep the 3.3 million people who move in happy. Else they’ll all run for the school board and city council, but only after they go on Facebook and complain about everything and everybody.

Here are a few samples: Why is my driveway turning green? Who is that guy standing over there by the tree and what is he doing? If we had traffic like this up north, it would’ve been fixed already. Why is it so hot? Nobody here knows how to drive! Somebody ran over a cat! Where are the police and EMS! I swear I think that man is an escaped convict, he just stands there!!! Is that an alligator in that tree? Can I pet it? We moved here last year and are tired of all this growth! Say no to Condos on the Ogeechee!

Now, my humble ideas. First, you will need a Hooters. Make that two Hooters. If Pooler has a Hooters, and I think it does, Richmond Hill needs two Hooters. Big ones. The bigger, the better.

After all, this is Richmond Hill we’re talking about. Anything Pooler can do, Richmond Hill can do bigger and better and upscalier.

In fact, Richmond Hill is just like Hilton Head, only it isn’t an island and it’s in Georgia rather than my native state of South Carolina. But, it has roughly the same amount of transplants from Ohio, and equally fancy signs telling you which way to go to get cultured up. Just so you know, you don’t know where you’re going without a good looking expensive sign to point it out to you. It’s in the Constitution somewhere. Naturally, the problem is people get to admiring signs – “Look at the wonderful sign, Angela, I’ll take a picture of it for the kids back home,” – and forget to look at the road in front of them, but that’s a small price to pay for good looking signs.

Second, we need a Spaceport so people who live in those soon to be built “gardens that grow people” can go to space if they feel like it without having to drive into the rest of Richmond Hill to get on a rocket ship. That’s important, because traffic around the crossroads in all 18 directions is not conducive to getting one into the mood to go into space. It is conducive to making one wish one owned a loaded M1A2 Abram’s tank. Hey, maybe Hyundai will make an electric one.

Editor’s note: The powers that be in the Pembroke Mafia Football League were going to put a spaceport in Pembroke or somewhere nearby, but we forgot to strike while the iron is hot. The PMFL’s loss is the BKI’s gain, if developers and city councilmen get on the stick and build a Spaceport. A giant one, with a Hooters in the lobby so astronauts can have some chicken wings and a cold one before they blast off. Space is meant to be fun.

Third, there needs to be something for surly teens who don’t like outdoor recreation, or recreation in general. I’m referring to those pallid, angry, unwashed, sneaky teens who spend most of their waking hours in a cloud of grape-flavored vape steam, plotting the downfall of Western civilization and leaving their fast food wrappers on other people’s yards. The Rebels without a Clue. I was one. In fact, I was voted least likely to achieve anything by my teachers. They were right.

Anyhow, I’m thinking it would be keep them occupied, or at least concentrated in areas away from residential property owners, if there is a bowling alley, or skating rink, or a Walmart. Walmart has wonderful things to do and see for young people. You can even wear pajamas with ears and a tail while you shop and nobody will say anything.

But there can be no Hooters in Walmart. It’s illegal to have a Hooters anywhere sinus medicine and fishing tackle is sold.

After some consideration, I think all three would work. Northern transplants love to bowl, and teens love to hang out around skating rinks, vaping. And Walmart has something for everybody, including bait squid, bait shrimp and boxed wine for the ladies.

Editor’s note No. 2: Anytime I think of bait shrimp, I am reminded of buying a box of frozen TV Bait Shrimp at the Midway IGA back in the 1980s or 1990s to use for fish bait. It cost around $3 back then for maybe a dozen shrimp. On the side of the box it said, “good eating, too.” Imagine that. Fish or eat, it’s up to you. That’s what America is all about, and that’s what the BKI needs. A cinderblock and plywood shack where you can get you a box of good eating bait shrimp, some Dr. Gene Wallace tater logs that smell like they’ve been soaking in used grease for a week and a cooler full of ice cold 40-ounce bottles of beer that might’ve been opened and sipped from when no one was looking.

Stick it next to the new high school.

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