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Can the absence of mothers cause mental disorders in children?
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Happy one minute, tantrum-throwing the next, Carmen Herbert's son smiles while on a walk with mommy. - photo by Carmen Rasmusen Herbert
A few months before giving birth to my first son, Boston, I called my grandma in tears. I am so bored, I said, staring outside at the bleak winter day from my tiny third-story apartment. I keep wondering if I should be doing something else to try and further my career in music, and why it didnt work out the way I had hoped for.

My amazing grandma is someone I always turn to for advice and a pick-me-up. She is always on my side 100 percent no matter what. She listened to my frustrations and then said, Carmen, you have to stop thinking that you have to prove something. You have had amazing opportunities. You have been able to follow your dreams and have a music career. In a few months, you will have a little buddy who will be by your side every minute of every day. And you wont be bored anymore. But listen to me, you have done enough. Now focus your energies on your family.

Those words have carried me through some of the most difficult challenges in motherhood. When I am looking like Im one missed bath away from resembling a cavewoman and wondering where my brain went (I tried to put my phone in the fridge the other day) or when my 2-year-old is going on two hours of screaming because I wiped his nose and he wants me to put my boogers back (true story) or when I look around the house and think, What the heck did I do today? I think about those words: You have done enough.

Author and psychoanalyst Erica Komisar recently penned a book titled, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters that has received massive criticism. After several decades of research and studies, Komisar suggests that mothers play a critical role in their childs early development, especially during the first three years of life and that the absence of a mother can result in behavioral disorders in the child.

What I was seeing, says Komisar, was an increase in children being diagnosed with ADHD and an increase in aggression in children, especially in boys, and an increase in depression in little girls. She saw that the absence of mothers in childrens daily lives was one of the triggers for these mental disorders.

In my daydreams, while Im elbow deep in dirty dishwater, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I decided to leave my homemaking life behind and go on a big nationwide tour again. How much would my kids really miss me?

According to Komisars research, a lot. Mothers are biologically necessary for babies. (They) are much more neurologically fragile than weve ever understood, she said. According to an article published in The Wall Street Journal titled, The Politicization of Motherhood, Komisar "cites the view of one neuroscientist, Nim Tottenham of Columbia University, that babies are born without a central nervous system and mothers are the central nervous system to babies, especially for the first nine months after birth.

What does that mean? Every time a mother comforts a baby in distress, shes actually regulating that babys emotions from the outside in. After three years, the baby internalizes that ability to regulate their emotions, but not until then. For that reason, mothers need to be there as much as possible, both physically and emotionally, for children in the first 1,000 days.

Its no wonder we often feel guilty leaving our babies for one reason or another, but guilt may not be a bad thing, according to Komisar.

My best patient is a patient who comes to me feeling guilty, says Komisar. Women who feel guilty its a signal feeling, that somethings wrong, that theyre in conflict. If they go talk to a therapist or deal with the conflict head-on, they often make different choices and better choices.

Sometimes women dont have a choice, and for all the mothers out there who are working out of necessity, I want to say that I think you are amazing and you are also doing enough.

But for those of us who are able to stay home with young kids, then that is exactly where we should be. If you are wondering whether you are enough, take it from my wise grandma: You are.

And staying home for your season doesnt mean you can never pursue interests again. You can do everything in life, Komisar encouraged women, but you cant do it all at the same time.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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