Welcome to week 3,138.3 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, that weekly exercise in whatever you want to call it.
We in the PMFL like to call it good clean wholesome American fun, the kind that has a seal of approval from the Good American Institute for Wholesome Hobbies.
It’s the kind of fun we used to have before the internet came along and somebody invented Facebook and everybody got snarky and decided the other side was going to send this country you know where, complete with a handbasket.
Socialist liberal maniac snowflake wingnut right-wing fascist sissies, the whole entire non-driving bunch of us.
Except for Rose Mock. She’s got couth.
Besides, I’m talking about the kind of fun that involved rubbing a couple of sticks together in an attempt to light twigs on fire so you could roast marshmallows under the stars and tell scary stories about how you once saw a ghost and it stank up the bathroom. They give out merit badges for that.
Or the kind of fun that included getting your packet of mustard from the lunch lady and then stomping it so the mustard would shoot at other kids’ feet and ankles. No merit badges for that.
True story. When I was about 10 I was in a gang in South Carolina with kids like Bobby Simpson and Bo Goforth and we stomped mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise packets outside the cafeterias after lunch.
It was civil disobedience writ large in small condiments.
Of course, you could get away with that as a third grader. Try it in public as an adult and they’ll tase you until your nose hair catches on fire. Then you can roast marshmallows.
Oh, and now that I think about it, all that stomping on condiment packages was a metaphor for something.
This week’s standings Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, our resident New England Patriots’ fan, remains in first with only 39 misses so far this year. She’s also the only picker with fewer than 40 misses. She’s had fewer misses than Tom Brady’s had birthdays, I think.
In second with 42 misses is Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, who likes socks with character.
Don’t tell anybody, but I think he’s keeping a family of lemurs in the commissioner’s meeting room in Richmond Hill.
In third is Mark Rogerson, our resident college genius.He’s got 45 misses to date. In fourth is former Bryan County Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, with 46 misses, and in fifth are retired Navy sunscreen specialist Ernie Mitchell and Dr. Trey Robertson of Bryan County Schools.
Both have 47 misses. In sixth is the Rev. Brad Butler with 48 misses and retired Navy viceroy B.J. Clark is seventh with 50 misses. If the PMFL were the old TV show Bonanza, B.J. would be Lorne Greene.
Little Joe would be none other than Alex Floyd, the city administrator for Pembroke. Floyd has 41 misses.
As for who would be Hoss, well, how about Bryan County District 1 Commissioner and Development Authority Chairman Noah Covington, who is in ninth with 54 misses.
“What’s for supper I’m in last with 58 misses. And if this were Bonanza, I’d be Dusty Rhodes, the Cold Blooded Sausage Maker.
Now, on to this week’s games There is going to be a shakeup in the standings next week, because a lot of folks were late this week and I’m too busy to go hunt up their picks in my inbox.
That said, some folks might get waivers if they send me presents.
Georgia Southern vs. Coastal Carolina: Everybody who sent in a pick on time took the Iggles. Except me.
South Bama vs. Louisiana Lafayette: Everybody who sent in picks on time takes the Cajuns. They’ve got better cooking, for starters.
Tulsa vs. Navy: Mark takes Tulsa. The rest of those who sent in their picks on time took Navy.
Ole Miss vs. Vandy: Ernie took the Rebels. Rest of us who sent out picks in on time took the Commodores.
Boston College vs. Free Shoes: Ernie took the Noles. He would.
Mizzou vs. Vols: B.J. and Brad take the Vols. Memphis vs. SMU: Ernie and Alex take SMU.
Arizona State vs. Oregon: The Rev. Brad takes Sun Devils. Me too. Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech: We all go with the Wreck.
That’s it for this week.
Enjoy your condiments. But squeeze, don’t stomp.