For years, the Pembroke Mafia Football League and its affiliated organizations and commonwealths has prided itself on being a nonpartisan mafia that respects all. Now, it looks like the rancor and spite – and spittle and sputum – dominating our national political conversation is starting to seep into the PMFL.

This after Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor’s call (IN ALL CAPS, mind you) for a special prosecutor to investigate Pembroke Mafia Football League CEO B.J. Clark because Clark somehow omitted Pembroke City Administrator Alex Floyd’s picks last week, only to have Floyd finish an unprecedented first with only one miss. “HOW’S that WORK!!!! SOMEBODY’s CHEATING!” Taylor said. “I CALL FOR AN INVESTIGATION!”

“Stick it up your No. 5 bumbershoot, shorty!” Clark responded. “Go put your boat in the water at your fancy co-op you don’t like it! I’m in charge here!”

Welp. That opened up the floodgate.

“I’m trying to take a nap here so shut up and be quiet you BUNCH OF HIPPIES!” emailed District 5 Commissioner Gene “Lima Bean” Wallace, who is no kin to a certain former Alabama governor as far as we know.

“YOU SISSY BOYS GROW UP,” said Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, who remains in first place overall because she obviously is cheating and we can’t figure out how.

“He started it,” B.J. said. “Uh-oh, look, there’s a herd of Ben Taylor shaped Oompa Loompas going door to door in Pembroke! HEY, NO soliciting, you dwarfs!”

“I’M FROM MICHIGAN,” former Bryan County Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil chimed in. “We’re the best state because Henry Ford invented Richmond Hill and everybody from up north loves Richmond Hill so much they move there! There or Pooler, anyhow.”

“Well I be from Pembroke!” responded Pine Tree Baron Bob Floyd. “And Pembroke is way better.”

“Hush everybody. I’m King of the North,” said District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington. “And I say that Jeff Whitten is a sneaky little smurf.”

“Smurf rhymes with turf. I rhyme all the time. My name is Mike, I ride a trike, I’m quick to strike, my mug you’ll like so if you’re up a pike I’m Vanilla Mike,” rapped Mike Clark, PMFL poet laureate. “That’s why they call me gosnippity hippity. I go dippity slippity.”

As for who’s on first, or in first, well, we’ll figure that out at another time. And remember what our spirtual advisor the Rev. Lawrence Butler says: “Smite not first lest ye be smited worst.”