Uh-oh, the Pembroke Mafia Football League is back after a one-week hiatus from print.
A guest version did show up online sometime Friday, and more on that a jiffy.
Last week was one of those things where the PMFL’s lightly regarded minister of misinformation – that’s me, I’m afraid, also known by some as the local version of Baghdad Bob – got sidetracked by one thing and another, like my job.
As a result, I had to turn the writing over to the world’s oldest living sportswriter, also known as Mike
Brown. Mike, who is either 103 or 301, or maybe 131-1/2, wrote the PMFL thing and it’s now online in case you want to go to www.bryancountynews. com and take a gander. And please do. We can use the traffic. Plus, if Mike wrote it you can bet it’s first-rate. Anyhow, some quick random observations before I tackle the standings and picks and all that.
First, we’re going to miss Dee McLelland around here. Dee, aka Armchair Willie, has been my boss the past year and some change and he handled business as well or better than it could’ve been handled. Dee was a fine boss and he made a difference and we here at the Bryan County News will miss him, no doubt.
What’s more, I wish him nothing but the best in retirement, and I hope he gets to play golf all day and fish all night, or whatever you do when you retire on a beach in Florida. Oh, and read his column on page 4 if you get a chance. It’s a good one.
It occurred to me that if ever a bunch of domestic terrorists come hunting me I can turn to my cousins up in Upstate, South Carolina.
That’s because while my particular limb of the Whitten family shrub has tended toward the runty side, my extended family has some serious girth to it.
I have various degrees of cousins up around Clemson and beyond, some of whom (or is it who?) are the size of snack vending machines, and one of who (or is it whom?) used to have to take the bench seats out of his pickups in order to fit inside.
Yep. He replaced them with lawnchairs, and drove around like that for a while, cruising around Clemson on a lawnchair. He also wore overalls. It was one of the dangdest things I ever saw. He kind of reminded me of one of those giant bears they train to ride tricycles, except he was in a Dodge. Which reminds me of a story.
Some years back I was at an aunt’s house up there and one of my then-unmarried giant cousins living at home told me to come into his room and have a seat so we could catch up on family goings on while he played Grand Theft Auto or something.
His room was like my office, a tad cluttered. And, it was sort of dusky dark. Anyhow, I plopped down an armchair, only to notice I had somehow gotten an arm entangled in a loose seat cover or something.
I thought I freed myself and put whatever it was down on one arm of the armchair and kind of settled in, and that’s when my cousin turned a light on to see what I was doing and I looked down and saw it wasn’t a seat cover, and instead I had somehow inserted my forearm into the biggest pair of tighty-whitey drawers I’d ever seen in my life.
And they weren’t all that white, particularly in that area where my arm was. That area contained what are officially known in Armed Forces nomenclature as tread marks.
I recoiled, I hope, and said something that might’ve sounded like “gaaccch.” I do remember said cousin giving me one of those looks that said, “Only a Gamecock could be so dumb.”
Anyhow, several of my cousins have offered to come down and embark on some rear-end whooping sprees, should those ever be needed by any of us hobbit- sized Whittens – just so you domestic terrorists know.
Standings after five weeks: PMFL Minister of Tractor Parts Mike Clark, who has groupies, remains in first place by a game with 15 misses to date. PMFL Spiritual Guru The Rev. Lawrence Butler is in second a game back with 16 misses. Former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted “Michigan State” O’Neil is in third all by himself with 18 misses so far. Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene – like Ted, she’s alright for a yankee – is tied for fourth with yours truly with 19 misses. I’m in exalted company, since Dawnne has won this thing a time or two. There’s a big logjam at fifth, with the aforementioned Mike Brown, who turned 107 by the time I started writing this paragraph, Pembroke Mafia CEO B.J. Clark (USN, Ret.), Bob “Flypaper for Freaks” Floyd, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and District 1 County Commissioner Noah “Mr. French” Covington all tied with 21 misses each. By the way, Taylor is only 3-foot-8 and can’t ride a regular sized horse to work, so word is the county agreed to buy him his own American Shetland pony to save wear and tear on the county’s Prize Upscale Australian Walking Pony, which is named Kirby.
In fifth is Bryan County Emergency Services Director Freddy Howell, who has 22 misses. Howell is from a Waycross-area swamp and once ate what he thought was fried gator on a stick. Except it wasn’t fried, it wasn’t gator and it wasn’t on a stick. “Bossum,” said Howell. “It were bossum. Crunchy. Gud wi’ Tabascer ‘n stewedem- up corney nads.”
In sixth place are county commission Chairman Carter Infinger and District 5 Commissioner Gene Wallace, DMD, with 24 misses each. Wallace, in particular, is a dentist. Infinger is going to be the next governor, once he gets a few more tanks. Back in the cellar is Richmond Hill Special Projects Pusher Alex Floyd, with 26 misses. B.J. says rumor is Floyd’s kids, Ellis and Lanier, have been called in as “unpaid advisors” to straighten Alex’s mess out.
The north team – consisting of the Clarks, Covington, Butler, Brown and the Floyds – has 141 misses so far and thus continues to maintain a five-game lead over the South team, which is made up of the more good-looking amongst us.
This week’s picks are apparently a secret and will be revealed after the games are played. Peace.