Oh fiddlesticks.
Welcome to Week 10 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and it’s hard to believe we’re this far into the season and nobody’s figured out what that funny smell is in PMFL headquarters.
Some have tried, of course, because, well, that’s what this column is about.
“Smells to me like a mad goat wearing a dirty tracksuit” said Alex Floyd, Richmond Hill’s highly underpaid special projects manager and a regular guy for someone whose family owns half of a third of North Bryan trees and most of its goats.
“Smaller um like ar swamper debbil n’ muddle ehrum skiddle goomer matin’ session,” said Bryan County Fire and Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell, who comes from a swamp outside Waycross. “I rample a watergopher, mebber. Heer. Gmon.”
“Smells like Clemson. Seriously. You’d know that if you ever been to Clemson,” said yours truly, whose ancestral home is less than six miles from Death Valley Stadium, known in more polite society as Pickens County Correctional Work Farm.
“Smells like Tuscaloosa on a Saturday night after the wastewater treatment plant backs up from all them heathen Bammers flushing at the same time,” said our fearless leader, retired Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark. B.J. is an Auburn fan and knows of what he speaks.
“Smells like another Georgia Bulldog victory,” said County Administrator Ben Taylor, who at 3-foot-11 is probably the right height to get the best angle on the odor, which seems to emanate – or ooze, maybe – from behind the PMFL headquarters’ official magic yellow futon we got on sale from the Statesboro Walmarts in 1997 and have kept around in case anybody needs a place to sit down and take off his socks, if he’s wearing any.
“Smells like somebody I won’t name but it sort of resembles the smell of his wife’s cooking,” said County Commissioner Gene Wallace, DMD, before sticking his nose under his flowerdy shirt, taking a deep breath and muttering “help me.”
“Smells to me like stir fried eel,” said County Commissioner Noah Covington, who recently went on an all expenses paid industry recruiting trip to a place they stir fry up eels and serve them with squash and crispy rolls.
“Hey, it’s vegan,” Covington added, waggling his toothpick at the rest of us. “They stir fry it in an aluminum wok using recycled fruit bat drippings.”
We’ll do standings again next week. This week’s games: Florida State vs. Boston College: Sportswriting Legend Mike Brown, Noah and you’re truly take the Noles.
Michigan State vs. Ohio State: Alex, Pine Tree Baron Bob Floyd, former BCN Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil and your’s truly take the Spartans.
Wake Forest vs. Clemson: Noah, Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, County Commission Chairman Carter “Twice as right” Infinger and Dr. Wallace take the evil orange scum.
Florida vs. Missouri: Mike Brown, Alex, Dawnne, Carter and Noah take West Virginny.
UCLA vs. USC: Mike Brown, Alex, Carter, Ben and myself take the Bruins.
Appy vs. Troy: Freddy and Gene take Troy.
Air Force vs. Nevada: B.J. The Rev. Lawrence Butler, our current spiritual guru, Ben and Ted and me take Nevada.
Louisiana vs. Liberty: Noah, Ben, Ted, Gene, Dawnne and Freddy take Liberty.
Auburn vs. South Carolina; Alex, Dawnne, Noah and your’s truly take the Gamecocks, the greatest college football team ever to go 565-544-55 with two conference titles over a 119-year span.
It’s on at 7 p.m. on ESPN, should you care to watch as the real USC clinches a bowl berth and makes the universe glad.
Next week: We compare college fight songs while setting fire to and roasting marshmallows over the magic yellow futon.