Howdy folks. Welcome to yet another installment of the pesky, hard-to-kill Pembroke Mafia Football League, that widely unacclaimed and semi-regular recounting of the exploits of its various members.
And, this being the first PMFL of 2019 - which almost rhymes with gabardine, and limousine and trampoline, among other things - it’s probably good to get straight to the point.
The King of the North won the Pembroke Mafia Football League’s second half.
He only missed six of the 203,110 bowl games played between Dec. 15 and the other night.
Regular readers of this thing know that the King of the North is official North Bryan Navy code for Bryan County District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington, he of the jolly Santa-Clausian girth, Mr. French beard and multiple above ground swimming pools.
However, we are not entirely sure the win was legit.
“I’m sure Noah cheated in some way, I’m just not smart enough to figure out how” said retired Navy Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark, who is the tallest person in the PMFL. “Politicians all have the same slogan … ‘Making myself great again,’ or something like that.”
Ah well. At this point, it is what it is. Until we get some Democrats on board, the world will continue to be Noah’s oyster and he will keep shucking it.
Finishing in second in a tie with seven misses each are the elfin Ernie Mitchell, who is also retired Navy and, like Bennie, a big shot at Pembroke American Legion Post 164, and Bryan County Administrator Ben “The Brain Taylor, from the famous cartoon Pinky and the Brain.
Taylor, a likeable enough chap in pin-striped suits and Dr. Suess socks, has never been in the military. We do not hold his draft dodging against him, however.
In third with eight misses apiece are Mike Clark, the Rev. Brad “Pistol St. Pete” Butler and Pembroke City Administrator Alex Floyd.
Mike is our resident tractor parts specialist and famous as a Bro-country rapper. “I like lawn chairs, big and wide, so you and me can sit side by side,” are among the more G-rated of his lyrics.
Floyd is an administrator with a fondness for dressing like Peter Pan if Peter Pan wore leisure suits and Mr. Rogers sweaters and things with stripes.
Note how he and Taylor are often described by their attire. This is because as appointed members of government, also known as bureaucrats, they both subscribe to G.Q. magazine and try to look the part of New Jersey landlords. As for their jobs, well, one administrates and the other manages. It is perfectly understandable if you take the time to read Chapter 119, paragraph 39b, subparagraph 12, section 19, bullet point 41 of the latest master plan approved by Georgia’s combined city-county-region-state Council on Administrator/Manager Duties as Described in Ordinance 1979, sub ordinance 32, paragraph 41, amendment 13,407.
Bless their hearts.
Up next in whatever place we’re talking about are Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, who won the first half of the PMFL contest, and Mark “Chick Magnet” Rogerson, our resident chick magnet. They had nine misses each. Dawnne, by the way, is from New England. She’s got a dog named after Rob Gronkowski. Either that, or the tight end is named after Dawnne’s dog. Either probably works.
Up next with 10 misses is the aforementioned B.J. Clark, our fearless leader and the funniest man ever to lose a Higgins’ French fry in his recliner in the middle of a Georgia games. Former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, who now has a high profile job up in his home state of Dearborn with the Ford Motor Company, is next with 12 misses, and Dr. Trey Robertson, Bryan County Schools assistant superintendent of facilities, had 13 misses. If you want a new stadium, ask for Trey.
In last is me. I did that on purpose, because I won it last year and had no intentions of repeating. However, I did pick Texas over Georgia because as a native South Carolinian and born and bred Gamecock I seriously dislike, in order, Clemson, Georgia and Ohio State, and therefore pull for anyone who plays said teams.
I did not, however, foresee the Texas mascot Bevo nearly trampling UGA the 29th, or whatever iteration this particular inbred English hound is. That was like icing on the cake, or gravy on the biscuit, and Bevo is now my hero.
Until next time. Jeff Whitten
PMFL junior varsity flanker.