Welcome to the end of the first half of the Pembroke Mafia Football League’s 2021-22 season.
First, the good news. Ohio State lost. Yay. Now, the bad news. Georgia remains No. 1, so even if the Bulldogs lose to Alabama on Saturday, there’s still a good chance they’ll wind up in the College Football Playoff. And that’s a bummer for all right thinking Americans.
Insufferable UGA fans will, of course, gloat either way, being insufferable. Not all of them, of course. Just the ones with tattoos of UGA on their bums and specialty plates. The good thing is the road to a national title is strewn with potholes named after Nick Saban.
Besides I predict Kirby Smart will suddenly give up his job at Georgia and take over as coach at both Oklahoma and Notre Dame, for something like $25 million per game, just so he’ll take that 10-foot-9, 500 pound defensive lineman who runs the 40 in 3 seconds with him. Now, on to the standings as the first half comes to a grinding halt The Rev. Lawrence Butler and Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene finished tied for first with 47 misses each. I’m not sure about the good Rev, but I think Greene cheats. Which is OK. So does everybody else. I’m kidding. Maybe.
Ted O’Neil, former Bryan County News assistant editor and a real journalist, finished in second with 50 misses. It may be worth noting that O’Neil and Greene are the PMFL’s two (rhymes with hankies), both being from colder climes. Then again, it’s probably no surprise.
Somedays it seems most of South Bryan is from up there in the land of no grits and people who sound like Joe Pesci. It’s fun to hear them get all Southern on you: “Hey y’all, bless yer hearts you moolie mooks. You goombahs, bless ya (bleeping) hearts.”
Mike “Vanilla Ice” Clark, our parts guru and the only one of the PMFL’s made members to have leather- clad groupies is in third with 51 misses.
In fourth is a tie amongst important people. We’re talking about PMFL CEO B.J. Clark, USN (ret); District 1 Commissioner Noah “King of the North” Covington and Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd. Each has 54 misses.
Floyd, by the way, turned in a perfect pick sheet last week. He probably got Ellis or Lanier to fill it out.
In fifth is Bryan County Fire and Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell, with 55 misses. Freddy is from some holler in the swamps of Waycross. I did not know swamps in Waycross had hollers, but they do.
Just ask Freddy: “Sm’ deep!,” he’ll tell you. “Hoollers fulla hongry cartune bars named lak Yogi and Booboo.”
Right behind the Chief in sixth is Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, with 56 misses.
Taylor, at 4-foot-2-1/2 inches the tallest person ever to escape the Fire Ant Capitol of the World without help, is famous for two things. The other one is his socks, or, as he puts it, his man hose. “The right man hose” Taylor often says, “Make a man feel he’s ready to conquer the world. That’s why I prefer vibrant, seamless toe-over-the-calf cotton rib dress socks, with little rhinestones and clouds and starfish on them. Gets me ready for the day every time.”
Land Baron Bob Floyd, owner of every other tree in North Bryan, is tied with Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “That’s right, that’s right” Infinger for seventh place. These two gentleman have 57 misses apiece. Carter, by the way, went to Newberry College. For real. Newberry. It’s like someone made up a name for a college for an episode of Scooby Doo, one where Thelma says to Shaggy, “Shaggy sometimes I think you’d rather eat pizza pie than solve the mystery of the Newberry College Ghost.” And Shaggy answers, “That’s right, that’s right.”
And Scooby says, “Ruhroh.”
Famous Sportswriter Mike Brown is in eighth place with 59 misses. Mike, who turned 95 a long time ago, is our link to the wide world of achievement, since he’s achieved more in his eons upon this planet than the rest of us ever will even if we live twice as long. Just ask him. In ninth is yours truly with 61 misses. Bless my heart, I’m the poor sap who has to transcribe the fevered ramblings of B.J. Clark’s alter ego, Plumbags Pete.
And in last, but certainly not least, is the only person in the PMFL ever to forcibly yank someone’s tooth out of his (or her) head and keep it in a jar, Dr. Gene Wallace. Wallace, the District 5 County Commissioner, is a real dentist and has probably seen the inside of more mouths than a human should. It scared off the hair on the top of his head. As ever, Go Gamecocks and may the screen door not hit you as you leave the porch, you goombahs.