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Jeff Whitten: Dummy questions
editor's notes

Once upon a time, someone said there’s no such thing as a dumb question.

Which is obviously dumb in itself but you can’t really blame the TV media folks who probably said it. They’re constantly inhaling fumes from all the makeup and hairspray they require to look fresh and breezy and pleasingly somewhat grave.

Anyway rest assured there certainly are dumb questions. I know this because my wife says I’m a pro at asking them.

Me: “Hey, what you doing?”

Her: (Sitting in a chair reading a magazine and shaking her head) “Cutting the grass.”

See? So, without further ado, a few dumb questions with even dumber answers.

Q: If you are upside down, is down up? Or is up down? Or is up up and down down and if you’re up against our team you’re upside down?

A: Up is down except when down is up. Then you have a tie and go into overtime. Then a big referee comes out and gives the coach a wedgie. Then everybody goes home and has a juice box.

Q: Should newly elected officials be required to do the Hokey Pokey before they take the oath of office, or during, or afterward? Or should we push for an amendment to the state constitution that would remove the Hokey Pokey requirement from swearing- in’s and replace it with something more up-to-date, like a round or two of Pokemon Go? And how about Indian leg wrestling? Is that still a must on the list of things real estate agents must master before they get their licenses?

A: Questions should never be so long you have to rephrase them because the person you’re asking forgets who you are. As for answers:

 1. Newly elected officials should still be required to do the Hokey Pokey. It’s tradition. Besides, you can really sort out the Republicans and Democrats that way. The GOP really knows how to get down with that right foot in stuff.

2. Absolutely not. Pokemon Go is a Chinese communist plot to take over our schools and turn all our kids into Squirtles and Hobgoblinoleums who won’t eat American food except for Doritos and French fries.

3. Indian leg wrestling is no longer required to become a real estate agent. They’ve replaced that part of the test with seeing who can belch the loudest without artificial amplification. You should hear some of those million dollar producers at work. Pine cones have been known to fall out of trees five miles away. Basso is profundo.

Q. Since most motor vehicles already come with turn signals, is there a way to include as standard equipment a seat shocker that detects a vehicle’s motion so that when a driver takes a turn without using said turn signal the seat shocker will shock the driver so that he or she will bang his or her head on the inside of the roof, thereby reminding him or her of the importance of using blinkers, but hopefully not before sending him or her to the hospital with a concussion?

A: Yes. But before we go down that road, some lawmakers are considering allowing motorists to retrofit their vehicles with adapted Hellfire paintball cannons with which to splatter vehicles whose drivers are guilty of not knowing what that stick is for that is always jutting from the left side of the steering column.

The thought process is turning that snazzy new Land Rover or Jeep into something out of a Jasper Johns’ nightmare might teach drivers a better lesson than zapping them in the rear end. School’s still out on this, however. More research is needed before this bill becomes a law.

Q: Is it possible to make pickups and SUVs any larger? Simply obscuring the line of sight of two lanes of traffic isn’t enough in our day and time, when image is everything and bigger is better (and better is bigger). We need pickups and SUVs that can blot out the sun so that nobody within a 360 degree radius of them can see around them, ever. It’s the American way.

A: Ford is rumored to be working on a new F950 Zeus Cab approximately the size of an Army 5-ton truck, complete with a folding tailgate capable of being detached and used as temporary housing. Chevy is reportedly experimenting with an SUV/armored personnel carrier hybrid called the Superburbanite Rex. It is rumored to feature a big screen TV, wet bar and dual air fryers. One note: Neither model will not have nor need turn signals, since they turn when and where they want.

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