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Jeff Whitten: Around the good old horn
editor's notes

You know what I hardly ever see on vehicles anymore?

Those WWJD bumper stickers, that’s what.

I don’t know why, exactly – it seems the question might still be pertinent. It might even be more so.

For the uninitiated, mostly those who weren’t born back when I was young(er) and good(er) looking, you could hardly take a lap around the Coastal Empire without seeing the WWJD sticker on things with wheels. An acronym for What Would Jesus Do, WWJD stickers were as ubiquitous as Salt Life decals were for a while.

I remember circa 1999 driving west one day on Highway 84 over in Liberty County and going over the overpass back in the days before its intersection at Highway 196 got rearranged to make it safer, and getting passed by some woman with a WWJD bumpersticker affixed to the back of whatever it was she was driving.

She didn’t just pass me, she blew through what then was one scarifying malfunction of an intersection, and her apparent disregard of the safety of others prompted me to think in her case Jesus would’ve probably slowed down before he killed somebody.

I don’t know what made me think of WWJD bumper stickers. I’m not the most religious person around and don’t pretend to be an expert on what Jesus would or would not do.

Still, I have some ideas. I do think Jesus would be kind to others, whether they agreed with him or not. I don’t think Jesus would sweat the small stuff, or try to take advantage of others, or judge folks for not agreeing with his take on things.

And I sure don’t think Jesus would be a Republican, or a Democrat. I suspect Jesus probably thinks both sides need to simmer down and get things done for the betterment of all.

I don’t think he’d care who scored a touchdown or made a basket, just so those who played had fun and didn’t play for Clemson.

I also doubt seriously he would want to hang out in swanky restaurants or appreciate ostentatious shows of wealth.

Jesus probably wouldn’t live in a gated community, come to think of it. He was about inclusion, not exclusion That’s why I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be seen driving a Land Rover or Mercedes or any other status symbol some of us mere mortals tend to think means we’re better than other mere mortals. Nope. If Jesus had a vehicle, it would be an old Ford 150 pickup with a WWID bumpersticker on the back bumper, right next to one that said “I brake for sinners.”

That’s my take, anyway. I could be wrong, given I haven’t been to Bible study since I don’t know when (this despite my wife’s best efforts to turn me into someone she can turn loose in public).

But I wonder. WWJD if he were here. Onward: I am 60 in people years. That’s 420 in dog years and about 600 in weekly newspaper editor years. Still, there are other occupations I suspect where one gets older quicker than usual – cops, for example, must age even faster than prematurely wizened weekly newspaper editors, given the daily babysitting service they provide society.

You read police incident reports like I do and you marvel at their patience with people who act like they weren’t raised right. Not that I’m judging. For one thing, that’s not my job. For another, there was a time when I ran amok a bit, so I can’t throw rocks.

But still. Some people need keepers. What else? I dreamt briefly Tuesday night that somebody gave me a giant komodo/monitor lizard for a present and it decided it wanted to have me for lunch, which led to a weird sort of thing where I threw it an iguana to keep it occupied while I went and got my .357 Smith & Wesson to keep it from chomping on my leg. I woke up after burying the lizard on the surface of what might’ve been Mars.

Like I said, it was a weird dream, and thankfully there’s the internet to tell me that if I dream a lizard is attacking me, “that dream is usually a bad sign.”

However, if I kill the lizard in my dream that’s a good thing. Maybe.

From the website I got this pearl of something: “If you dreamed of killing a lizard, that dream is usually a good sign. It often indicates being victorious over your enemies but after a lot of effort. This dream often symbolizes the challenges you have and will overcome through the power of your endurance.”

However, on flip side: “It often reveals your efforts to restore your reputation after it has been ruined by someone’s malicious acts.”

I get it now. The lizard is Facebook.

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