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Humor: Apparently, ice is really dangerous
God bless America and how is everybody
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. - photo by File photo

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump returned to work in the White House Wednesday after an 11-day trip to Asia where he made business deals and foreign policy. He also obtained the release of U.S. prisoners. Those three UCLA basketball players should be back from China today, unless they steal the airliner.

Beverly Hills work crews began reconstructing Will Rogers’ old house across from the Beverly Hills Hotel. He once joked nothing’s certain except death and taxes. In my view, the difference between death and taxes is, Congress can’t think of a way to make death any worse than it already is.

O.J. Simpson was kicked out of the Cosmopolitan Hotel and Casino Friday for being drunk and belligerent. Forty years ago Good Housekeeping’s annual poll named O.J. the Most Trusted Man in America. Remember that, if ever you think America is crazier today than we were in the late Seventies.

Jeff Sessions testified in the House Tuesday where Democrats ripped him over Russia-Trump connections. Then the Republicans ripped him for not prosecuting the Russia-Hillary connection. Russia could be sued for patent infringement if they voted twice and didn’t pay Chicago any royalties.

Senate Leader Mitch McConnell joined Speaker Ryan in urging Roy Moore to exit the Senate race due to charges he dated underage girls while in his 30s. They refuse to see the bright side. If Roy Moore gets elected to the Senate, Democrats can no longer say that Republicans hate children.

Alabama’s embattled GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore got carried away in front of a church crowd while campaigning Tuesday. He compared himself to Jesus Christ. The difference is that one of them returns in the Book of Revelations while the other one departs due to the List of Revelations.

Homeland Security will run a biological weapons test on masked subjects at an Indian school in Oklahoma. All 77 counties in Oklahoma voted GOP in the last three presidential elections and this is the thanks they get. For crying out loud, Saddam Hussein never gassed his base.

The New York Post reports the trial of three international soccer officials begun in Manhattan federal court. They’ve been charged with taking bribes. When the FBI burst into the FIFA board room meeting in Brussels to arrest them, they threw themselves onto the carpet and pretended to be injured.

The British Medical Journal Lancet listed health risks involved in drinking straight up alcohol drinks at holiday parties. They warned that vodka on ice can hurt your kidney, that rum over ice is bad for your liver, and that gin over ice can rot your brain. Apparently, ice is really dangerous for you.

Sacramento politicians proposed a 45 percent tax on California’s legalized pot. Weed is the state religion out here. Californians believe that if everybody on this planet smoked a joint at the exact same time we’d have world peace, for about five minutes, followed by a global food shortage.

The Transportation Department predicted a record number of Americans will be flying during the Christmas holidays. Be prepared for sticker shock in the plane. Yesterday, an 81-year-old man died aboard a Jet Two flight shortly after he asked them how much for a beer and a blanket.

France canceled its Paris Christmas Market for fear of terror attacks. In 80 years they’ve surrendered to Germany, Vietnam, Syria, Lebanon Algeria, now ISIS. The good news is, last time France lost this many games was 220 years ago, and they got Napoleon in the draft.

You can email Hamiton at

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