This week’s list is of things we need more of in the Coastal Empire because, well, we’re going to get them anyway. Most are no brainers, which is right up my alley.
1. More convenience stores. Two or three on every corner from here to Atlanta is not enough. We need more.
Sure, some of the folks hanging about in these places seem a tad sketchy, but that’s only because they want to borrow your social security number and home mailing address. Just don’t make eye contact with anybody vaping steam out of their ears or wearing tattoos on their forehead. Or anybody minus their pants. Fortunately, the powers that be are building more convenience stores as we speak. I say stack ‘em up high and wide, and if we run out of space let’s put convenience stores inside convenience stores.
Let’s break the world convenience store record. It will diversify the economy and lower your property taxes, but only after you are dead.
2. More traffic. Good old TSPLOST means GDOT is building roads in a hurry to catch up with two decades or so of unmitigated, unplanned and unprovoked growth, so pretty soon we’ll have some roads you can actually drive on without having somebody poking along at 45 mph in front of you and somebody else going 80 mph behind you. But clearly unused road won’t do long term, we won’t know how to act. That means we need more vehicles to fill the roads back up to the brim again. It’ll lower your property taxes after you are dead.
Which means we need:
3. More subdivisions. That’s right. We need boocoo more “gardens that grow people,” as I heard subdivisions called not too long ago.
While some might argue there’s no shortage of people – and in fact there might well be too many people already, given the world’s finite natural resources so maybe we should be growing beets rather than humans – I beg to differ. I’m of the opinion local governments can always use more folks to provide services for. It helps them get raises.
The rest of us need somebody to stand in line behind, or get cut off in traffic by, or get the last head of lettuce the next time something causes a panic because we didn’t grow enough of it (we were too busy growing humans, you see). Besides, the bigger your community is, the bigger the talent pool and the lower your taxes will be after you are dead. It’s simple algebra. If some is good, more is better. X = G/y + WD40 (pr59). And, to help in that regard, we need:
4. Another port so more trucks will drive through Blitchton to dodge the scales on I-16 and thereby lower your property taxes after you are dead. They can put it down at the Fisherman’s Co-Op, or Co-op, or Coop, or whatever it’s supposed to be. There’s already a boat ramp down there, or might be, so the port infrastructure is in place. Now just think of the jobs. Think of the cheap consumer goods made in China offloaded right here in South Bryan and shipped via 18-wheelers up Highway 144 to I-95 to Highway 204 to Old River Road to Highway 80 to Blitchton to Highway 280 to I-16 to Walmarts and Dollar Generals all over the South. And be proud.
5. More dump trucks. Nothing spells “No. 1 state to do business in and lower property taxes” like a dump truck failing to yield. Especially if the dump truck driver’s got road rage and “DON’T PUSH ME” written in big red letters on the back of his truck. Don’t push him.
• Weekly newspaper editors are regular guys, or most of us are, anyway. And regular guys have dreams. In my case, I dreamed the other night my neighbor got into my septic tank and started splashing around. My wife tried to lure him out with a hotdog, but he wouldn’t budge so we went inside to watch Rick Steves.
• Finally, a quick thanks to my veteran buddies for their service, not that they expect to be thanked. A few freebies here and there are good enough.
After all, some of us – me, for example – didn’t do much in the great scheme of things.
In fact, I spent most of my six years in the Army as a ragbag field artillery E-4 hiding from NCOs and running amok on weekends when we weren’t in the field. It trained me well for my current job hiding from regional vice presidents and people who want to fire the school board. Hoo-ah.
Others veterans did more than their share of the heavy lifting and many are scarred physically and mentally. They deserve their nation’s gratitude, understanding, care and respect. A few freebies won’t hurt, either.