When Erin Hirvela was 2, her parents, Air Force Master Sgts. Gus and Danielle Hirvela, enlisted Sesame Street’s Elmo to help their daughter understand why her daddy was going away for a while.
For service members and their families, preparing for an upcoming deployment is another of the many challenges unique to military life.
“When parents are having a conversation about their deployment with their child, they should be as genuine as they can, but filter their communication to the degree that’s appropriate for the age of their child,” said Kristy Hagar, a child psychologist who has been working with children, adolescents and young adults for 18 years.
“Children can get upset, because their lives were stable and predictable, and now with a parent or both parents leaving, there’s going to be change,” Hagar said. “Children are going to deal with change in their lives no matter what, so anything you can do proactively ahead of time where kids can feel like they are involved and they are being asked to help prepare for this shift, helps in the long run.”
The Hirvelas prepared for Erin’s first deployment experience with a Sesame Street DVD they picked up at the base library.
“It was the one where Elmo explained the military and deployments,” Danielle said. “One of the sayings they use in the video that stood out to us was that mommy and daddy are ‘helping people.’”
Today, both Hirvelas are deployed, and they said they still use that saying from the video to help 6-year-old Erin understand why they left.
“When Gus left, we told Erin that daddy had to go help people, and that he would be home before she knew it,” she said. “We tried to keep a positive spin on everything. So when we discussed mommy leaving and aunt Gail coming, we mentioned how she was going to ‘party like a rock star’ and be a huge help for [her little brother] Jacob.”
The level of honesty and the method of communication depend a lot on what the parent feels comfortable with, but they also need to recognize how they present themselves, Hagar said.
Children can pick up on their parent’s emotions and stress, even when the parent is saying everything is going to be fine, she said.
Letting children know that they can talk about their fears and worries when preparing for a deployment helps them prepare for stressful situations in the future, Hagar said.
For younger kids, around ages 5 and younger, parents sometimes have to play a role, she said. For example, Hagar said, if you and your child both see a large dog, you would just have to react calmly and soothe the child, versus running away screaming, because you don’t want to set that example for that child. The same applies to deployments, she added, and recognizing how you present yourself and how you deal with your worries and fears sets an example for the child to follow.
School-age children ages 5 through 12 have a greater awareness of a parent being gone, Hagar said. They are involved in a lot more activities, and sometimes that tends to serve as a reminder: “Oh, dad’s not going to be here to see my soccer game.” Maintaining proactive strategies to stay connected can make the separation easier on children, she said.
Maybe dad couldn’t come to the soccer game, but you can plan to film it and send it to him, she said. Hagar recommended asking children how they want to stay connected, or let them pick out photographs to send, noting that getting them involved gives them responsibility in collaborating as a family.
Older children, ages 12 and older, may be less likely to reach out to a parent or caregiver to talk about an upcoming deployment, Hagar said.
“Because of adolescence and all the things that go along with adolescence, it’s also not uncommon for children in this age group to not want to talk,” she said. “Sitting them down to talk about their feelings may not be an effective strategy, but let them know if they have any questions about the deployment, they should let you know, and leave it at that.
“You’re opening a door for dialogue and letting them know if they want to talk, they can, and if they want to ask questions, they can,” she continued, “so they know the deployment is not some ‘elephant in the room’ that no one can talk about. A lot of teenagers will say, ‘No, I’m fine,’ but at least the door is open.”
Information on helping children deal with deployments is available at the Military OneSource website.