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What we can all learn about grief from the survivors of Sandy Hook
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Three years after losing his 7-year-old son Daniel in the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Mark Barden kept a single memento: An old bicycle helmet that still has a few strands of Daniels blonde hair clinging to it.

Ill keep that (helmet) forever, Barden says in director Kim Snyders new Sundance Film Festival documentary, Newtown. I still dread that every day I live Im one day farther away from life with Daniel.

Details like that make Snyders tender documentary riveting for anyone who watched the news in shock on Dec. 14, 2012, when 20 kids (kindergarteners and first-graders) and six educators were killed in a mass shooting at the Newtown, Connecticut, school. The film, which premiers at Sundance this month, opens with 911 tapes, recounts frantic texts between parents and speaks to peripheral witnesses to the incident, like Gene Rosen, a nearby resident who found a handful of children on his lawn that morning whod fled the violence.

They just kept exclaiming, We cant go back, Rosen says in the film, eyes welling with tears. We dont have a teacher.

Snyders inclusion of people like Rosen in addition to victims and their families outlines the films overall theme in the first few minutes: How a community rebuilds itself out of crippling grief. Her decision not to delve into the details of the shooting itself or shooter Adam Lanzas background were deliberate, she said (in the entirety of the film, Lanzas name is not uttered).

I wanted to render a mirror to the grace and dignity in a community struggling so terribly, Snyder said. I was drawn toward the part of it that showed what we are capable of, whether you be the priest faced with this and its beyond you or if youre the ER doctor whos changed forever. How do you go on when youre broken?

While the Sandy Hook shootings may be an extreme example of families trying to heal after a huge loss, Snyders Newtown has a lot to teach its audience about grief, trauma and healing emotional topics experts say Americans arent good at dealing with.

We dont teach people how to cope and were just programmed to keep moving forward rather than stop and really think about whats happening, Washington-based thanatologist (a person who studies death) and grief counselor Kriss Kevorkian said. We want to stay neutral, we don't want to deal with it and if we do that, we're accepting it. And if things like (Newtown) became the new normal? What a horrible life.

Feeling safe

Michelle Palmer, director of the Washington, D.C.-based Wendt Center for Loss and Healing, says that like trauma, grief comes from fear, a feeling that results in a persons life changing in a dramatic way through loss be it the death of a loved one, a natural disaster or violence. What it comes down to for anyone whos grieving or recovering from trauma is feeling safe when the world seems out of control.

What I always tell people is, you cant outrun grief. Eventually it will catch up to you, Palmer said. Its definitely the case for children, but its also true for adults that, really, (grief) is all about safety.

In children especially, grief can manifest itself in what some scholars call betrayal trauma, or the violation of a belief a child has that a person or a place is safe and stable. When something or someone that has a profound presence in a childs life is suddenly taken away like losing a parent in a car accident, witnessing a shooting or being abused the childs sense of trust is eroded because life isnt going the way theyve been taught it should.

In Newtown, parents who lost children at Sandy Hook struggle with their surviving childrens newfound mistrust in the world and feelings of betrayal that school should be a safe place.

Ian and Nicole Hockley, who lost their son Dylan in the shooting, describe how their surviving third-grade son, Jake, suddenly didnt feel safe anywhere after the shooting, even in the family home.

Jake says it was the day hell came to his school, Nicole Hockley says in the film. The lights always have to be on all the time now.

Jakes drawings shown in the film depict dark, mutated figures of bulge-eyed monsters with blood leaking out of their fanged mouths, one eliciting a word bubble that reads, in black crayon, Youll never escape.

David Wheeler, whose 6-year-old son Ben died at Sandy Hook, struggles with his older son Nates suspicion of his parents reassurance that hes safe to return to class.

What do you say to that? Dont worry, youre safe, Wheeler says in the film. Almost immediately, as youd expect, the response was, Thats what you said to Ben.

If grief is handled correctly, its less likely children or adults will experience lasting effects of betrayal trauma or unaddressed grief. But for kids who dont have a consistent source of reassurance from an adult, Palmer and Kevorkian say the impact of childhood grief and trauma can reverberate dangerously throughout a childs development and adulthood.

We like to compartmentalize our feelings, and if you overdo that and dont deal with your emotions, it will manifest physically in your body, Kevorkian said. Stress, grief and loss are common denominators of most every health issue.

Palmer cites the landmark Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study first published in 1998.

Examining the correlation between traumatic or stressful events in a childs life and health conditions in adulthood, the ACE study found that people who experienced four or more traumatic events were 4-12 times more likely to have experienced substance abuse, depression or suicide. The same group was more than twice as likely to smoke, have 50 or more sexual partners and have an STD.

For physical illnesses, the group also showed a higher prevalence of sedentary lifestyle, obesity, heart disease, cancer, lung disease, bone fracture and liver disease.

All this evidence of how grief can change people is great, says Washington-based family grief therapist David Simonsen, but it doesnt mean anything if neither adults nor children have the support they need to, as therapists put it, mourn successfully.

As we grow, we start to mask our grief. We tell boys to man up and things, or I hear parents say all the time that theyre being strong for the kids, Simonsen said. But to be strong would be to show emotion over this kind of thing, if not for ourselves than to teach our kids how.

Creating community

Some experts say Americans still have a flawed approach to loss and trauma, partially because of national identity. To get past this perception problem of grief as weak and improve emotional and physical health, Americans need to rethink their attitudes about grieving.

We know its tied to American individualism, said Dr. Steven Schlozman, Harvard University professor and Massachusetts General Hospital psychiatrist. We dont think its safe to express emotion. What weve come to believe is that our individualism isnt compatible with letting the community know were hurting and ask for help.

As Americans, were taught that up-by-your-bootstraps outlook, Kevorkian said. But in reality, that doesnt help anyone.

Because people dont like to ask for help and grief is very personal, many people miss out on a crucial piece of recovery: community.

Having a community helps tremendously because people who are grieving need reassurance, they need offerings of support and love, Kevorkian said. The problem is, were very isolated and we dont consider our actions as having an impact on others.

Schlozman said the support of a community can help people heal, partially because they feel theyre being given permission to be emotional.

The more community comes around someone whos grieving, the less likely the individual feels alone in their grief, Schlozman said. Theres a very real, beneficial effect of universality, where others feel what you feel and empathize, even if its just for a little while.

In Newtown, community togetherness is a key component of both grieving and recovery for the entire town rocked by Sandy Hook. Parents band together to fight for gun control, host marathons in the names of their fallen children, or commemorate the anniversary of the shooting with community-wide vigils.

Theres no making up for this. The foundation got cracked and nobody knows how wide that crack is going to get, Catholic priest Bob Weiss, who conducted all 20 of the childrens funeral services after Sandy Hook, says in the film. But were not going to let the darkness overwhelm us.

The school staff that survived that terrible day in 2012 still meets regularly at each others homes for defacto support groups, knowing that every person was affected, from the teachers to custodians like Rick Thorne.

The teachers and the staff, we understand each other, Thorne says in the film. We dont even have to speak. We just know."

Its the community of survivors, the connection to people who understand his pain that sustains Thorne. Off-camera, Snyder asks Thorne the universal question for everyone navigating loss: How do you get through it?

The kids. The laughing. The smiling, he says.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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