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The myth of the perfect parent: Where it came from and how to let it go
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Like overscheduled kids, modern parents are expected to fire on all cylinders at every moment, keeping the house clean, succeeding at work and raising happy children. But is this vision of family life sustainable? - photo by Kelsey Dallas
Modern parents need a new game plan, according to Jessica Lahey, a teacher, writer and mother.

Her new book, "The Gift of Failure," addresses the pressure parents put on themselves to do everything right, highlighting the unintended consequences this parental perfectionism holds for the whole family.

Today's moms and dads are highly competitive, steering their kids toward extracurriculars, closely monitoring academic achievements and moving at a break-neck pace to make the family's busy schedule work, Lahey said. "That becomes the way we measure our parenting, even if it's totally unfair to our kids," she added.

Achievement-oriented parenting is also unfair to the moms and dads who practice it, according to other experts on family life. And although it's difficult to forge a new path in an age of competitive parenting, it will be necessary in order to reclaim joy in the midst of stress, they said.

"It's really hard to pull away from the status quo," said Brigid Schulte, author of "Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time" and mom to two teenagers. "(But) I have a limited time span, so I had to ask myself what I want it to be about. Clean closets? Making the bed everyday? Or something more meaningful."

The parenting evolution

The contemporary obsession with perfection can be linked to gradual changes to the parenting profession over the past hundred years, Lahey said.

Family life around the turn of the 20th century looked very different than it does today, because children were essential to keeping families afloat financially. Kids helped out around the farm or worked in factories.

However, by the 1920s, child labor laws had shifted the focus of childhood to education, including the education of parents. In "The Gift of Failure," Lahey notes the launch of Parents magazine in 1926 and the rising sense that parenting wasn't something people naturally knew how to do. Even Dr. Spock, who burst onto the scene in the late 1940s and advised parents to trust their instincts, didn't tame growing concerns.

By 1970, parent' (had become) a verb," said Jennifer Senior, a contributing editor at New York Magazine and author of "All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood." Children began to be understood as "precious beings" to be loved and nurtured, and the pressure was on parents to do their job well.

"It was only when (children) lost their economic value that we decided it was our job to cultivate them and turn them into perfect little human beings," she said.

Coupled with the seemingly endless amounts of parenting advice available on the Internet, this pressure to mold our "precious beings" into successful adults is driving today's parents crazy, Lahey said.

"As we sift through the reams of parenting advice, we are left to strike our own balance between work and home, trust in our instincts, and trust in the experts," Lahey writes in her book. "Today, parenting is less oxytocin-soaked rosy glow, more adrenaline-fueled oncoming-headlight glare."

Modern parents also face tough criticism from others, according to a 2007 survey from Pew Research Center.

Fifty-six percent of the 2,000 respondents told Pew that mothers are doing a worse job today than mothers did 20 or 30 years ago, compared to 29 percent who said their performance is "about the same" as mothers in the past.

Respondents offered a similar assessment of modern dads. Pew found that 47 percent of people said fathers are doing a worse job today than in the past and 28 percent said they're about the same.

Pressure of perfection

Today's parents are often older and more educated than parents in the past, Lahey said, noting that they've also spent more time in the workforce before having children.

As a result, moms and dads have started parenting as if they want to ace a performance review, "because (they're) used to getting reviews from bosses and teachers," she added.

The modern drive to be a perfect parent is also fueled by economic instability and the collective sense, especially among middle or upper-middle class parents, that a good attitude and high GPA won't be enough to ensure a child's future financial security, Senior noted.

"Parents get nervous that their kids won't have the same toe hold in the upper-middle or middle-class that they did," she said. "They overcompensate, and spend every nickel they have on making them great violinists or mathematicians and hiring private tutors and batting coaches."

Although some parents might acknowledge that their concerns about the future are making their kids' lives more stressful, it's difficult to step back from the chaotic pace of modern family life, Senior noted.

Parents who consider scaling back their children's extracurriculars might think they're "unilaterally disarming," she said. "Then all the other kids have another leg up."

Letting go

Schulte has long struggled with trying to be everything for everybody. She spent years driving herself crazy trying to keep up with her children's busy lives, household chores and work assignments, all the while feeling like she had lost control over her own life.

"The social norm right now is to be a crazy helicopter parent," she said. "We feel kind of bad if we aren't one."

Since writing her book about finding a balance in life between work, love and play, Schulte has worked with her husband to cure her perfectionism. They take turns scheduling doctor's appointments for their two kids, share cleaning duties and abide by the rule, "The last one out of bed has to make it."

Schulte said reflecting on the chaos of her first decade of parenting helped her forge a path to a more calm and meaningful life.

"What made the biggest difference was taking the time to think about what was really most important to me," she said.

This level of self-reflection would serve many parents well, Senior said, noting that parents can let go of perfectionism if they start to prioritize other values.

"You have to ask yourself what you're doing (all the items on your calendar) for and ask what you want (life) to be about for yourself and your kids," she said. "Do you want your family's memories to be dominated by time in the car and time at the tutor's office? Or do you want to remember family dinner?"

Senior has tried to answer these questions as she strives to find a balance between spending time with her 7-year-old son and working on writing projects.

"I'm constantly working too much and reminding myself that unless I cut it out, that's what my kid will remember," she said.

Parents can also draw motivation for a change from their children, because kids absorb and reflect their parents' behavior as they age, Lahey said.

"There's something important and strong and powerful about modeling this behavior and helping our kids find their internal locus of approval rather than looking to us or to teachers or to Facebook," she said.

However, even moms and dads with a strong sense that something needs to change will need help from others to follow through with their new vision of family life, Schulte said.

"It may be an individual decision, but it requires a network of support," she noted.

Stressing less

Although she's a proponent of less competitive parenting, Senior won't judge parents who find it impossible to give up their never-ending to-do lists.

"Telling people to chill out just makes them more stressed," she said. "The last thing parents need is another lecture."

Instead, Senior encourages moms and dads to parent on their own terms, acknowledging that each family (and each kid) has different needs.

Lahey is more comfortable encouraging parents to put less pressure on themselves, because letting go of the desire to do it all, as well as getting her kids involved in the household chores, has made her life much less chaotic, especially as she prepares to depart on a book tour this month.

"If this had been happening two years ago, I would be panicked," she said. "But I'm going to leave town knowing that my kids can put on a fitted sheet and do laundry and knowing that it actually occurs to them to unload the dishwasher."
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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