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Impressive effects and quality actors can't save muddled 'Assassin's Creed'
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Through a revolutionary technology that unlocks his genetic memories, Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) experiences the adventures of his ancestor, Aguilar, in 15th century Spain in Assassin's Creed. Callum discovers he is descended from a mysterious secret society, the Assassins, and amasses incredible knowledge and skills to take on the oppressive and powerful Templar organization in the present day. - photo by Josh Terry
ASSASSIN'S CREED 2 stars Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Ariane Labed; PG-13 (intense sequences of violence and action, thematic elements and brief strong language); in general release

It's surprisingly easy to make an emotional connection to fictional characters in a movie, even when you know that what you are watching isn't real. But when the movie itself goes out of its way to tell you what you are watching isn't real, you have a problem.

That's just one of many issues with "Assassin's Creed," the latest movie adaptation of a video game series and a film that strives for simplicity while tying itself up in narrative knots.

An opening crawl sets up the conflict: two warring factions are competing for something called the Apple of Eden, which supposedly holds the key to free will. The Templars want to use it to control humanity and are therefore the bad guys. The Assassins want to preserve liberty and are willing to work in the darkness to accomplish their noble goals.

This leads us to Cal (Michael Fassbender), a descendant of the Assassins and a death row inmate in modern-day Texas. Following a lethal injection that isnt very lethal, Cal awakes in a scientific facility in Madrid, where he meets Sofia (Marion Cotillard).

Sofia explains that he has been recruited into a project that she claims is working to eradicate violence at the genetic level. By plugging into a virtual reality machine called the Animus, Cal will be able to project himself into the memory of a 15th-century ancestor. In his mind, he'll be fighting bad guys in the Spanish Inquisition, but in reality, he'll be plugged into a machine that looks like a more advanced version of the Thunderdome, working to find the Apple.

The characters in "Assassin's Creed" remind us over and over that finding the Apple is the key to everything, but this attempt to simplify things is very disconnected from the chaos of story that we see on the screen. Its difficult to keep track of what is happening from a narrative standpoint, and sometimes it's just difficult to tell who is who, since everyone in the movie seems to be wearing the same black cloak.

By the end of the film, things start to make a little more sense, and it's likely that longtime fans of the "Assassin's Creed" games will be able to follow whats going on, but that just underscores the point. Director Justin Kurzel is trying to cram a multi-game mythology into a single two-hour film, and as desperately as he tries to keep things simple, he still winds up with an incoherent mess.

Consider one moment Cal has in the Animus. Cal is having a standoff with one of the Templars, who is holding one of the other Assassins hostage. We don't know anything about the hostage, aside from the fact that she's female and might be a potential love interest. For Cal, or rather, his ancestor, it's a crisis, but for the audience, the moment is meaningless. For most of "Assassin's Creed," there's just no reason for the audience to care about anything that is going on.

In the end, the best thing to do is to just sit back and try to enjoy the spectacle. If "Assassin's Creed" has any strength, it is in its visual design and tone. The movie looks cool, and if you can lose yourself in the thunderous soundtrack and the various action scenes, you might be OK. But once you start trying to connect the dots, you'll probably be better off going back to the game where it all came from.

Assassin's Creed is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, thematic elements and brief strong language; running time: 108 minutes.
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Have You Seen This? Street musician slays with clarinet
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Better than almost every face-melting guitar or drum solo. - photo by Facebook video screenshot

THE BIG EASY — Yeah, yeah, we all know that New Orleans is stuffed to the gills will incredible musicians.

But knowing that fact and then hearing that fact are two different things. You can step into any number of jazz clubs on any given night on Bourbon Street, and you’ll probably be impressed with virtually every act. Or you can sit at home on your comfy couch and watch this featured video.

In the video, you’ll see a woman who is in the groove. She is swinging hard, and wailing on her clarinet with a practiced expertise that makes it sounds so easy.

From note one you’ll be drawn in; your appreciation will grow with every second, and then your face will melt off when you realize how incredible she really is.

If you’ve never played a woodwind or a brass, you may not know everything that comes with a performance like this. Lung capacity and breath control are huge factors in keeping your notes clear and loud, and hitting those high notes is especially difficult.

So when this woman hits that high note and holds it for several seconds, you know you’re dealing with an exceptional musician. It means she has worked hard for years to develop skill on top of her natural talent, and we get to benefit.

It kinda makes you wonder how we let people get away with mumble rap and autotune when talent like this exists in the world.

I wish this video were longer, and I wish I had more information about this woman, but as it is, we’ll just have to appreciate the little flavor of New Orleans jazz posted by the Facebook group Clarinet Life.

Street musician killing it on clarinet

She must have lungs of iron! Its inspiring hearing the upper registers being played so well.

Posted by Clarinet Life on Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Martha Ostergar is a writer who delights in the ridiculous that internet serves up, which means she's more than grateful that she gets to cruise the web for amazing videos to highlight for your viewing pleasure.
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