I love Halloween because I get to dress my children in ridiculously adorable get-ups.
No matter your age, Halloween is a magical time of year when kids are hopped up on candy and self-entitlement and teenage girls get away with dressing like a streetwalker. Ah, America at its finest.
With all the creative ideas swirling around for costumes and scary goblins and ghouls, I’ve been thinking about the kinds of creatures that could give moms a fright this Halloween. I’m not talking about witches and monsters; I’m talking about the truly, deeply terrifying monsters that will strike fear into any mother’s heart.
Man with a cold: When your husband comes at you with a red nose and a box of tissues, most moms want to flee the horror that is the "man cold." There’s no telling how long it will last or the depths of his regression back to boyhood before that nasal congestion clears. Costume accessories: A week’s supply of Gatorade, tissues and a complete inability to do anything until symptoms clear.
The PTA mom: Run! Hide! She’s coming at you with a clipboard and a look in her eye that says she knows you have that 36-cupcake carrier and a free morning next week. Costume accessories: Yoga pants and a phone tree list.
Blowout baby: This monster needs no explanation and moms usually encounter this vile creature on the one day they actually shower and put on real clothes. Costume accessories: A diaper full of horror and a smile.
Child who just found her artwork in the trash can: Oh, there is no fury quite like that of an artist scorned. If you’re like me, you have resorted to throwing away masterpieces and homework treasures late at night, and only in the outside trash can, lest your little Picasso sees her precious life’s work in the bin. Costume accessories: A crumpled piece of paper and a look of utter betrayal.
Lice attack: If you’ve been through the ordeal of lice, you know that nothing can make a mother’s blood run cold with fear quite like the sight of your child scratching her scalp while telling you that Johnny was sent home for having bugs in his hair. Costume accessories: A bottle of Nix and an itchy head.