Welcome to whatever week it is of the Pembroke Mafia Football League. I lose count these days, and our fearless leader B.J. Clark can’t be trusted with numbers – which is why he keeps score, I reckon – so I’m not exactly clear whether this is week four or five. Not that it matters.
Nor does it matter that up until about 8 p.m. Saturday night I was toying with the idea of headlining this week’s column “Glorious Gamecock Gloat Week,” only I might’ve done it in all caps like the moron I am. Then Georgia did what Georgia has a habit of doing, which is making me glad I didn’t put my money where my mouth usually is.
Not that I have any money, being in newspapering. That’s why we weekly editors look mildewed and tend to walk funny, and our offices smell like old Fritos because we keep spare dirty socks in our desk drawers next to the emergency bourbon and chewing gum. We’re broke.
Back to the UGA debacle: There was a bright side. The Gamecocks scored more on the vaunted Bulldogs defense than a certain highly regarded team from Pickens and Anderson counties up in the Upstate of S.C. did. And we beat the spread, anyway. Not that I put my money where my mouth usually is. I don’t have any.
PMFL standings: After three weeks, Mike Clark is in sole possession of first place with nine misses on the season. Congratulations to Mike C, who is the only one of us to have actual groupies. Sure, one or two of ‘em could have beer guts and a few might have partial dental plates and other implants, but hey, a groupie is a groupie.
There’s a logjam in second place right now, with the Rev. Lawrence Butler, Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil and longtime area sportswriting legend Mike Brown tied with 10 misses each.
In third with 11 misses are yours truly, the dummy who writes this thing, and Bryan County Emergency Services Director Freddy Howell, the Waycross Wonder. In fourth with 13 misses each are District 1 County Commissioner Noah “King of the North” Covington and District 5 Commissioner Gene Wallace, DMD.
B.J. Clark, a retired chief petty admiral and Vietnam veteran, and a big deal in Pembroke American Legion Post 164 – of which I am also a member – is in fifth with 14 misses. He’s tied with Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and Pine Tree Tycoon Bob Floyd.
In sixth is County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger with 15 misses. What can be said about the Infinger that hasn’t already been said? How about this.
I have it on good authority the illustrious chairman has pondered declaring himself chairman for life. Legally, of course, by sticking it in the charter. “In the event commissioners decide to appoint a chairman to a lifelong term, said commissioners may, upon a unanimous vote, appoint said chairman to become the great and powerful protector of taxpayer dollars and quarterly retreats on Jekyll Island.” They might teach that at the Carl Vinson Institute of Government at UGA as one of the first rules of government, right there next to keeping the millage rate low, the services delivered and the conflict of interests unconflicted. The first job of an elected or appointed official is to stay elected or appointed. Everything after that, including strategic planning retreats in swanky hotels, is gravy. In the cellar is Alex Floyd, who when he is not busy repopulating North Bryan with young Floyds is regaling us with great stories, like the Mega-Site groundbreaking when, I’m told, one of those who sold their property to the state for the site joked he was tempted to interrupt the governor’s speech by standing up and telling them he’d changed his mind and wasn’t going to sell his property after all. Now that’s funny.
This week’s picks: Wisconsin vs. Notre Dame: BJ, Mike C., Alex, Noah and Ben take the cheeseballs. Gamecocks vs. Hicks: BJ, Mike B, Bob, Noah, Lawrence, Dawnne, Ben and Ted pick the Hicks.
Navy vs. Houston: BJ, Mike, Mike, Larry, Noah, Ben, Ted, Carter, Gene and Freddie take Houston.
Lala vs. GS: BJ, Dawnne, Carter and Gene pick the Iggles.
Taxas A& M vs. Pigsooey: Alex, Bob, Noah, Dawnne, Ben, Carter, Gene, Ted and Freddy take A& M.
Cornshuckers vs. Michigan State: Noah and Carter take Nebraska.
FAU vs. Army’s Helpers: BJ, Mike C, Bob, Lawrence, Noah, Carter and your’s truly take the Airmen.
Thundering Herd vs. Appy: Mike Brown, Carter, Ted and Gene and Freddy take the Herd.
Louisville vs. FSU: Mike C., Alex, Noah, Ben, Ted and Freddy take the Cards.
Utah St. vs. Boise: Mike B , Carter, Gene, B.J. and Larry take Utah St. PS. Gamecocks are gonna roast Clemson this year. Book it.