Everywhere I go, I get the same question. Why do you walk like Fred Sanford?
No, not that question.
I get asked why the University of South Carolina hasn’t won a game over a ranked foe since that stirring, thrilling, wonderfully hard fought and fundamentally interesting victory over Georgia last season that kept the Bulldogs from yapping at yours truly for a bit.
I’ll tell you why. It’s the coach, who each week seems to increasingly resemble a certain member of the Flintstone family. Against Florida,the mighty Gamechickens were down by two TDs but in possession of the football with about 7 minutes left to play when they sneakily went into the football equivalent of former North Carolina coach Dean Smith’s hated four corners offense. I.e., the Gamecocks took about 300 seconds per play to stand around looking at things before finally getting down inside the 10-yardline with about a minute to go in the game.
Obviously, this was a top secret plan to lull the No. 3 Gators to sleep so that Carolina could score, then hurry up and perpetrate an onside kick, recover, then score again in about 12 seconds or so, thereby stunning the 19,000 or so Florida Gator fans in the stands down there in Gainesville.
Naturally, it backfired and the Gamecocks ran out of fizzle before getting even one touchdown, which made the seat-warmer beneath a certain coach’s britches even warmer.
This is why lifelong Gamecocks like the dummy writing this the Pembroke Mafia Football League weekly summary tend to go through life looking as if someone took their lunch money.
Someone has, and nine times out of Spurrier, that someone is whoever is in charge of the Gamecock football team.
More pablum: Welcome to week five of the PMFL and its affiliated subsidiaries and offshore accounts, which are headquartered in sunny Pembroke, Georgia, soon to be home of a pretty good looking new senior living community. If you’re old or merely interested in getting old, go check it out. It’s that three-story deal over where the old elementary school used to be. You’ll be glad you did.
Last week’s picks: Former BCN Assistant Editor Ted O’Neal, a Michigan State alumnus, had the best week of all missing only one game. He’s in third place, however, and cockily predicting that football will be much more interesting now that the Big 10 is fielding teams on the field of play, as it were. They were apparently waiting until the Gamecocks showed that this year would indeed be like many others before suiting up. I can’t blame them. A mad Gamecock is not a thing to be trifled with.
Anyhow, Miss Dawnne Greene, Richmond Hill’s illustrious city clerk, remains in first place after a two-miss week and is in first place with four misses so far, one game ahead of Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, who also only missed two games this week and has five so far this year. Ben is from Ashburn, Georgia, the fire ant capitol of the world and home town of the Wiregrass Farmer, the world’s greatest- named newspaper ever.
For a town with an enrollment of about 3,700 people who’ve lived their all their lives, Ashburn has it all. A giant fire ant statue and the Wiregrass Farmer to boot. Anyhow, trailing Ted is the Rev. Tawrence Butler, our spiritual advisor and swimsuit edition judge, if we ever have a swimsuit edition, which we think we should. After a 3-miss week, the Rev. has eight on the season. Tied for fifth are District 1 County Commissioner AND Development Authority of Bryan County Chairman Noah Covington AND Mike Clark, who knows everything there is to know about tractor parts.
Noah and Mike each missed three this week and have nine misses on the season.
Pine Tree Baron Bob Floyd and B.J. Clark, big deal emeritus in American Legion Post 164, are tied for sixth with 10 misses apiece after Bob missed two and B.J. missed four. Yours truly also missed four and now has 12 misses on the week.
In last place is District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene “Lima Bean” Wallace, who was on pace to miss about 100 this season but rallied last week to only miss two. Nonetheless, he’s still in last with 13 so far. That’s probably payback from Mr. Karma for Gene’s going through his first life as a dentist.
Also, please note that Pembroke Administrator Alex Floyd’s totals weren’t included in this week’s rundown from B.J. (He keeps score).
That’s OK. Alex is somewhere between first and last and the middle.
He was on TV last week ordering old people out of their homes and into a new senior community so younger people could move into their homes .
Selected games: Louisville vs. Georgia Tech: Picking the Cards are Mike, Ben, Dawnne, Ted, Gene, The Rev., and the King of the North.
Everybody else is on the wreck with Tech.
Miami vs. Clemson: Everybody but me takes the Tigers.
Louisiana vs. Appalachian State: Everybody takes the Mountaineers.
South Carolina vs. Vanderbilt: The Gamecocks are favored in this one. I don’t know why, but all but Bob take USC. He takes Vandy.
Probably thinks it’s the barbecue from Statesboro.
Florida vs. Texas A& M: Alex is the only one to take the Aggies.
B.J. hope’s he right.
This is a condensed version of the PMFL. It was probably wasn’t condensed enough.
Have a great weekend, and go Gamecocks.