Welcome to a special Christmas/New Year edition of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the only weekly picks column in this newspaper in which a local horde of professional pigskin college football prognosticators match wits and dangle participles like swords of Damocles, all in an effort to claim the prized title of PMFL Chump, er, champ.
But first a message from our sponsor, District 1 County Commissioner Noah “Mr. French” Covington, also known as King of the North, aka Mr. Bossley- Breeches. The King has not officially announced, but word is rampant he is going to run for higher office and maybe more than one. Heck, he might run for several at the same time and win them all. “I think I could be governor, lieutenant governor and Senator from Georgia all at the same time and do a better job than half those crazy people in Washington and Atlanta, whichever is closest,” Covington might have said while pointing to his longtime work on both the county commission and Development Authority of Bryan County while also holding down a full time job at the phone company and belonging to the Bryan County Republican Party, which is kind of like running a day care all by itself.
His promise: To end the weirdness by returning this fine country to the principles it was founded on. Self reliance and power football, etc. And, a free Kelly Loeffler poster for everyone. MNBGA! Anyway, just so you know in case he doesn't show up some day. That means he's in Washington and Atlanta, sorting things out. Some random stuff: The ghost of UGA I has predicted UGA will win the national championship, beating Alabama 58-21 in a game that isn't even that close. Stetson Bennett will wear elevator cleats and throw so many touchdown passes in the first half they'll have to ice down his arm at halftime to keep it from falling off. In a related story, the USC Fighting Gamecocks will win the College Football Playoff next season by dominating Ohio State, which moved its main campus to Richmond Hill in order to be closer to Mom and Dad and Uncle Morty.
Onward: This is the second half of the PMFL and it's worth noting the lead is in the capable hands of PMFL editor Jeff Whitten, i.e., the poor sap writing this thing when he has time. To reiterate that point, here are the standings from none other than PMFL CEO B.J. Clark, retired Navy and bigcheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164.
Here's what B.J. said: 'After several cancellations for CV19, we have only the last pick sheet of 20 games to declare a winner. Last week, Jeff had a slim one game advantage, and he has held on to that position this week, standings below.
Jeff with a 2 week miss and a YTD of 12 leads the pack.
Mike Brown with the week's best sheet of ONE miss and a YTD of 13 takes a solid second place.
Ben with a VERY good week with 2 misses and a YTD of 14 is in third place.
Fourth place is really crowded with BJ, Alex, Bob, Freddy and Dr. Gene with YTD 15 misses.
Fifth place is also crowded as Noah, Rev Lawrence and Carter have a YTD of 17.
Ted with a 4 miss week and a YTD of 18 has 6th place.
Mike C. and Dawnne with 4 miss weeks are tied for the cellar with YTD of 19 games missed.'
For the unenlightened, a few notes.
First, Jeff is in first place. In case you missed it. Jeff is in first. He's winning.
Next, Mike Brown is the world's greatest sportswriter. He's also the world's oldest. And, he has a glass eye. Guess which one it is and he'll give you a piece of chewing gum and tell you how his real eye was poked out and his arm fell off while he was covering Ty Cobb in the 1903 World Series.
Also, Ben Taylor is Bryan County Administrator and hails from the Fire Ant Capitol of the World, otherwise known as Ashburn, Georgia. Ben sleeps curled up in his sock drawer when he's not busy running the county's day to day operations. He's like a little sharply dressed Chia Pet, only he has hair growing out of his head instead of those little green sprouts. You still have to water him with a fine mist once a week though. Third, Alex refers to Alex Floyd, Bob refers to Bob Floyd, Freddy refers to Bryan County Emergency Services Czar Freddy Howell and Dr. Gene refers to Dr. Gene Wallace, the dentist, District 5 county commissioner and humanitarian Lima bean.
I do not know what that means, but word is Wallace carries around all the teeth he's ever pulled out of patients in a pickle jar in his pickup, so he can show them to the cops if he's ever pulled over. 'You see these? Molars, and biscuspids, and that one there is a wisdom tooth I got off a nosy sheriff, so how about let me off with a warning this time?'
The Rev. Lawrence is the Rev. Lawrence Butler, who is hear to keep the flock from running amok; Carter is a reference to Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who is said to be mulling a run for either higher office or for some Taco Bell.
Ted is a reference to the great Ted O'Neil, former BCN assistant editor and one of the world's most gifted anarchists who likes capitalism too and is probably on his way to running Ford Motor Company; Mike C. is Mike Clark, the only PMFL member with groupies – although they don't shave their legs anymore – and Dawnne is none other than Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, who knows football and is not usually in last place.
Happy New Year.