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Pembroke Mafia Football League: Week 1 is in the books, Week 2 is ready to cook
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Welcome to Week 2 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and boy was Week 1 a humdinger. That’s what B.J. Clark called it, and B.J. was right. It was better than a humdinger, no matter how you ding a hum or hum a dinger. Put ‘em all together and you got fun. 

But before we get into this, it’s time to announce that the Georgia Association of Semi-Professional After Home School Athletics (GASPAHSA) has classified the Bryan County Bigfoots into Region 2-007, along with the Glennville Gomers, the Guyton Gomers, the Grovetown Gomers and the Chatham County Chupacabras.

Silly, I know. And if that doesn’t scare you, there’s word some in South Bryan are considering forming their own Semi-Professional After Home School Athletics football team and will call it the Richmond Hill Republicans. We've also heard they may instead go with the Buckhead Banshees or Keller Krakens or Ford Frankensteins. If you ask us, the first option is probably the scariest. Some of those folks tend to be wired a bit different. Now for some football: Last week’s games. District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington and Minister of Parts Mike “Uncle Rico” Clark tied for first place with only two misses apiece. We have it on good authority Covington copied Clark’s homework because he was too busy plotting ways to annex Bulloch County and give South Bryan to Ohio since they want it so bad.

Second place is almost as jacked up as traffic on Highway 17, with Minister of Religion Rev. Lawrence Butler, former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neal, your’s truly and Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD tied with three misses each. In third are Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd, County Commission Chairman Carter Upsquemious Pius Lucius Calvin Potterfield Infinger IV, Bryan County Administrator Ben “The Boss” Taylor and Bryan County Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell. Each had four misses.

By the way, Infinger, who is pondering a run against Covington for the lieutenant governorship in 2026, is a secret Gamecock fan. This was revealed the day after Labor Day, when Infinger announced he’d only been pretending to like Clemson all these years.

“I hate all that orange and purple, it looks like beets and creamsickles. I’m really a Gamecock, always have been,” Infinger said. “Besides, Clemson Tigers are stupid. Their coach is weird. Their campus is weird. Their fans are weird and they smell like baby formula. They’ll never win another championship. The smart money is on South Carolina and I’m all about smart money.”

That’s right, that’s right, he added. Now, how do you say Upsquemious? Easy. It’s UP-Squeemeeeee- US. Just like it’s spelled. Upsquemious.

Back to the standings. B.J. Clark, the CEO of this motley crew and a big wheel in American Legion Post 164, had five misses to put an early hammerlock on fourth place. “I’m pacing myself,” he said.

Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, who usually wins these dang things, missed six and is in fifth. She’s expected to rectify that shortly and again finish near the top, if not win the whole thing again. Dawnne does not play.

And in last place for week one is Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportwriter and one of the most accomplished chicken throwers on the planet. He missed seven. Probably got wore out from throwing those pullets.

Worth noting: Team Mom Marsha Clark plays off the books, so to speak, and had only one miss last week. “She is banned and if she wants to play she can form her own PMFL ladies league,” B.J. said.

That’s what he said. This week’s games: South Carolina vs. Arkansas: Dawnne, Carter, Ben, Freddy and you’re truly take the Gamecocks.

Bama vs. Texas: Alex takes the Longhorns. Alex is weird.

Tennessee vs. Pitt: Dawnne, Lawrence, Mike B., Ben, Freddy, Gene, Carter and your’s truly take the Vols. Your’s truly does so grudgingly, but it’s that whole Mason-Dixon thing.

Kentucky vs. Florida: Carter, Mike B. and Fred take Kentucky. What’s with Gator Coach Billy Napier’s hair? It almost looks like an otter with mange is sleeping on his head.

USC vs. Stanford: Mike Clark, Alex and Fred and Carter (who was late!) pick the Cardinal.

Baylor vs. BYU: This should be a good game. B.J., Lawrence, Ben, Ted, Fred, Gene, Noah and Carter take the Bears over the Mormons.

San Jose State vs. Auburn: Everybody is on board for B.J.’s favorite team, War Doggone Beagle.

Houston vs. Texas Tech: B.J., Lawrence, Mike B., Fred and your’s truly are taking the Cougars. Grrr.

Air Force vs. Colorado: Alex, Fred, Gene, Noah and you’re truly take the Buffaloes. Mooo.

Wait, do Buffaloes moo? We’ll have to find out next week, when Infinger demands a Clemson retraction and Wallace shows the Rotary Club his collection of leftover patient teeth.

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