Jeff Whitten
Columnist
Welcome to a limited edition Thanksgiving installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and here, for the record, please note I’m a piggy, albeit a semi-retired one.
Oink. Whilst one tries not to discuss politics in this space, one can’t help but be somewhat taken aback by our current Commander In Chief ’s use of insults to address people he doesn’t like. It’s like being led by Don Rickles, only not as funny.
What’s more, one wonders what the reaction from certain elected officials would be had, say, a former president (Biden, Obama, anyone?) called some young Fox News reporter trying to do her job a “piggy.”
I suspect their collective hair would be on fire.
Alas, that seems to be sort of how it is all the time anymore anyway amongst the Super-Americans, but I’ll hush now. I have family and friends on both sides of the political divide, and I intend to keep the more energetic of them from shooting out my porch lights if I’m able.
Onward. In truth, we in the PMFL are thankful for many things. One is to still be here. That’s partly because, by gumby, our median age these days is about 65. That’s if I’ve done the math right – which isn’t likely, but it might be close enough to be in the same neighborhood.
We’re also thankful because, or in spite of the fact, perhaps, some of us can still remember what it was like hereabouts before Bryan County became ground zero for the state’s largest ever economic development project and every pompous real estate developer in the solar system decided to double down on more than two previous decades worth of efforts to bulldoze the Coastal Empire into what it’s turned into, which appears to be a giant strip mall and warehouse park surrounded by look-alike subdivisions with driveways too small to hold all the vehicles. Yikes. That’s a long sentence. Maybe the editor will leave it alone.
Anyhow, because this is Thanksgiving, we’ll refrain from whining too much about stuff we don’t like. What’s done is done, and so is what’s about to be done, we just don’t know it yet.
Besides, Thanksgiving is a time to count one’s blessings and show some gratitude that the Indians didn’t wipe our European ancestors off the map when they had the chance. While it’s been downhill for this country’s original inhabitants ever since, we Americans have mostly done alright for ourselves. So there are a whole bunch of carpetbaggers in this part of the country, but I won’t get into that at the moment.
To me, we’ve been at our best as a people when helping the downtrodden and whipping up on dictators, and at our worst stomping on the less fortunate and acting the bully at home and abroad.
That’s because I’m a piggy. A Gloucester Old Spot, if I can have my druthers.
Standings:
Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter and a big reason the PMFL median age is 165, is in first place with 26 misses. Mike is thankful he has 14 pairs of spare teeth, which he stashes in various places so he’ll always have some handy. If he offers to give you a ride somewhere, be careful where you put your hands. And if he asks you to try on a pair, just say no.
Mike Clark, the only one of the PMFL brotherhood with groupies, is in second with 29 misses. Mike is thankful for spandex, tweezers, Nair and The Clapper. Not necessarily in that order.
The Rev. Lawrence Butler, our spiritual guru, is in third with 31 misses. He’s thankful we’re thankful and try to behave.
County Administrator Ben Taylor is in the standings here somewhere, but I’m not sure where. Ben, who is from Ashburn, the Fire Ant Capitol of the World, is thankful he finally grew tall enough to play head elf at the county Christmas party next month.
B.J. Clark, our fearless Chief Operating Officer and THE founding member of the PMFL, is in fourth with 32 misses. B.J., a retired Chief Petty Admiral and commander of the North Bryan Navy, is thankful he doesn’t have to get on boats anymore and scrape barnacles. Or wear a snorkel. Oh, and he wants to do a poll: Q. Should Georgia Southern fire Chad Helton?
A. Yes. B. Yes. C. Yes. D. All of the Above.
Yours truly, old Piggy Whitten, is in fifth place with 33 misses. I’m thankful I’ve got my wife’s roof over my head and a floor in front of a big screen TV to stretch out on after I put on my eating pants and eat way too much turkey and dressing. Oh, and I’ll tell you this for free. The best way to deal with overeating is to take off your pants and lay on your stomach on the living room floor for about 20 minutes. It’s also good if everyone else leaves the room for a while, but that’s up to them.
District Five Commissioner Dr. Gene “The Yak” Wallace is in sixth place with 40 misses. Dr. Gene is our resident retired dentist. We’re all thankful Gene is the funniest human being on the planet. He once claimed to have given an atomic wedgie to H.R. Pufnstuf, back when Gene was a pro wrestler in the short-lived Pooler Professional Wrestling League and Pufnstuf was a big TV star. Supposedly there’s video footage of it, somewhere.
Ted O’Neil, former BCN journalist now winning Michigan Press Association awards left and right, is in seventh with 42 misses. He’s thankful for air conditioning and for my wise tutelage all them years ago. Or maybe it was the other way around.
Retired Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy “Nostril-damus” Howell is in eighth with 45 misses. Freddy is thankful he’s from some swamp outside Waycross, which is where he learned ballroom dancing and how to snuffle his vowels into consonants.
Former District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington and Commission Chairman Carter Infinger are tied for ninth with 47 misses each. Noah is thankful he’s a former commissioner and no longer has to put up with knowit- all transplants who try to turn Bryan County into the places they just left. Carter is thankful for pudding and that his wife is far better looking than he is.
And, in last, is District 1 Commissioner Alex Floyd, who sometimes writes this column whenever yours truly has other obligations. Alex has like 298 misses, but who’s counting.
Supposedly, Alex is heading to Mexico on a second honeymoon with his beautiful bride. Maybe he should be thankful Mexico still lets Republican- Americans go down there to goof around.
This week’s games:
Old Miss versus Mississippi State: Freddy and Gene take the Starkville Bulldogs. The rest of us hate Kiffin. UGA versus Georgia Tech: Mike Brown and me are the only ones to take Tech. Texas A&M versus Texas: Ted, B.J. and Mike Clark take the Longhorns.
James Madison versus Coastal Carolina: Freddy and Dr. Gene take the Chanticleers.
Miami versus Pittsburgh: Alex, me and The Yak take the Panthers.
Ohio State versus Michigan:
Everybody picks the Buckeyes. “I
just threw up in my mouth,” says B.J. Me too.
Vanderbilt versus Tennessee: Me, the Rev. Butler, Alex, Ben and Dr. Gene take the Vols. I’d rather Vanderbilt won, for what it’s worth.
Army versus Texas-San Antonio:
Carter, Liturgical Larry and the Yak take the Road Runners. The rest of us salute our troops. Or their future officers, anyhow. Funny thing, when I was in the Army I used to pull for Navy. Go figure.
Georgia Southern versus Mar shall: Mike Brown, The Rev. Butler, Ben and Ted take the Herd. The rest of us are clearly gluttons for punishment.
Alabama versus Auburn: B.J. takes the War Beagles. We’ll see.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading and here’s hoping your Thanksgiving holiday is a great one. Oh, and remember to be thankful for first responders. Don’t make their jobs any harder this holiday.
Jeff Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.
Editor’s Note: Whitten’s mugshot this week was AI-generated; the managing editor approved of its use because she believes the photo to be one of the only good uses of AI nowadays, unlike using it to destroy the fabric of democratic society in order to support the riches of our Silicon Valley overlords. Anyways, happy Thanksgiving, y’all!