From the rear lines of the pandemic, part 5: Living down here in Georgia, one of the things I am grateful for in this world is a certain sports message board known as Fighting Gamecock Forum, which is where expatriated South Carolinians like me can go to get the latest scoop on all things Gamecock.
In fact, I am so grateful for that connection to the school I was supposed to graduate from lo these many decades ago that I now subscribe (for a reasonable monthly fee) so I can help keep it afloat. Anyhow, discussion on FGF is mostly about firing coaches or how Clemson and coach Dabo Swinney cheat or some other misery tending to befall Gamecock fans more than the rest of humanity.
Then came the pandemic, and no sports.
That was bad, but it led to this, which is probably the second best FGF topic in recent memory. The first is when a certain poster – that’s what us participants on a message board are called, posters – began asking for advice on how to proceed with his on-again, off-again love affair with a rather unpredictable midget fiancee.
Anyhow, without further ado, I give you the mostly unedited thread from BobbyBReloaded1975, “Worst animal to be killed and eaten by ...:” “I’m sure this is a fairly unpleasant experience overall but some must be better than others. Shark, Croc, Bear, Tiger, Anaconda , Komodo dragon etc etc,” BobbyB wrote. “Here is my logic ... a Tiger or any big cat is probably gonna be pretty instantaneous. Your probably gonna be dead before you even knew what happened. The others suck because you got some time to contemplate. For me it would definitely be the Anaconda or big snake. That’s gotta be a pretty helpless feeling having the life slowly squeezed out of you (similar to being a longtime USC fan). Those things can’t smell very good either. At least with a Croc or a shark your probably gonna drown first so that’s a little better I guess. Random thoughts I have when I’m a six pack in at 9am .”
After some suggestions on what would be worse than getting swallowed by a giant snake – getting devoured by hyenas, bears, wild dogs, woodpeckers, etc. – up popped this from JohnnySolo: “Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.”
Sometime later, roosterbell chimed in: “The IRS can be pretty ruthless.”
Which was followed in short order by this thought on hyenas from AsTheCockCrows: “I was in Kenya in the mid 90’s. Those animals were frightening to watch walk around you in an open vehicle. They just had a look like they were waiting to tear whatever apart. On one afternoon, one passed by the truck carrying the head of some sort of creature hanging from its jaws....”
Which led to this from DeepfriedCock: “I’ve always heard Hippos are extremely dangerous.” Which prompted the creator of this exercise in whatever it is to respond: “Yeah hippos kill tons of people. Elephants, Hippos and Cape Buffalo kill way more people than predators. At least they’re not gonna eat you.”
Which a few comments later saw Harvard Gamecock point out my biggest fear, getting chased and caught by a giant skink. “I don’t even want to imagine a Komodo Dragon out for me. These guys are straight out of Jurassic Park, run faster than you, bite with venom and don’t wait for you to die.”
Which led a guy who calls himself cockofdawn to remind us all of the dangerous rabbit scenes in Monty Python’s Holy Grail, which led tidalcock to offer up “getting ripped to shreds by a gang of chimps or gorillas would be bad” which again brought BobbyBReloaded1975 to chime in: “Yeah but are they actually gonna eat you?? I’m sure they probably would in some cases.”
A few comments later, someone wrote “ex wives” and then this fellow who goes by the handle jedi_mike said “I can speak from experience, I think getting killed by a python/anaconda wouldn’t be as bad as you think,” which prompted a demand he expound on that theory.
That led jedi_mike’s story about his getting nearly crushed to death in a machine, which was apparently rather painless at first, which of course led to the suggestion he go “tangle with an Anaconda for ten minutes, then let us know if they’re about the same,” which led to uscalumni sharing a video of two lapdog Corgis snarling and barking, which led cockofdawn to note: “Looks like Dabo yelling at his punter,” which of course is entirely true.
And always remember, we’re all in this together. Bless our hearts.