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Jeff Whitten: One night at a BoE meeting
editor's notes

I start this with a disclaimer: By nature I am a placid fellow and if I were a dinosaur I’d probably be one of those kind that gets eaten by Tyrannosaurus Rexes.

That’s why I tend in most cases to believe extremists are a bit extreme, regardless of what it is they’re being extreme about or which end of the political spectrum they fall on.

So if I seem to be bit puzzled by the tongue lashings some in the anti-mask-mandate crowd gave school officials the other night, I am. Just as I respect the right of those who disagree with the mask mandate to say so, those folks on the receiving end don’t deserve contempt either. Somehow that gets a bit lost for some these days.

That’s all the preaching I’m liable to do on the drama surrounding the mandate, other than to say it’s probably been giving me nightmares of late. In fact, I might’ve dreamt I signed up to address the BoE. Here’s how it might’ve went.

Board of Education Chair: OK, Mr. Whitten, thank you for taking the time to come to this meeting of the Bryan County Board of Education. You have five minutes to speak. Please begin.

Me: Howdy. Thank you for letting me speak to you about your mask mandate, it’s a subject I feel very strongly about after I learned all about it on the internet.

And second, I want to thank you all for the great work you’re going to be doing as members of the Bryan County Board of Education, especially now you’ve got me advising you on policy.

Third, I want to know if next time I come to a school board meeting I can sit up there where you are and take my shoes off while I talk. It’s not that I don’t like being over here, I just think I’d be more comfortable over there on that side of the room. Without shoes. I have hobbit feet, you see. They tend to itch.

Also, maybe I could have a big admiral hat to wear when I address the board, like Napoleon wore at the Battle of the Bulge. Maybe we all could wear them, how about that? But let’s just keep it to you board members and me, for starters, and then maybe give them to a few smart people in the audience. Those things don’t grow on trees you know. Finally, I will probably take longer than my five minutes. No need to thank me. Now, on to my subject.

Masks 101, by Jeff Whitten, American Citizen. Part 1. Obviously, I think this whole mask mandate in schools is more than just bunch of hooey. I believe it is being imposed on the American school-going public against its collective will by the Costume Industry of America, also known as the CIA.

Part 2. Why should kids be required to wear masks, unless they’re out there sticking up banks or trick or treating, or covered with spots someone is trying to hide? Hmmm?

Part 3. I see every day on social media America is being invaded by evil forces from Mexico in cahoots with China who want to take away our freedom to raise our kids as we see fit so they can instill them with dangerous theories, like, well, like thinking masks might help stop the spread of disease. They also want us to wear masks so we can’t tell which ones of you school officials are alien mutants, that’s why they want us to wear masks.

A few years of that and they’ll be trussing us all up like Butterball turkeys and celebrating Thanksgiving on the planet Uranus. I’m sorry? You interrupted me? What, I’m at five minutes? If I was an egg, I’d be poached. Har de har. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Shhh. Order in the court.

In conclusion, I must ask that after I finish everyone hold their applause and submit questions in writing. And boy these crowds have lately tended to shirty, almost like Sallie Brewer was back in charge and banning out-of- state-travel for bands.

OK, anyway, get ready, here’s the important part.

Part 4: By mandating masks you’re covering up the wrong part of the noggin with the wrong material. You need to start mandating hats instead of masks, hats made out of aluminum foil, and it needs to happen before it’s too late and we’ve been brainwashed to the point everybody’s wearing a mask and the Dems are making us learn how to say “Go Wildcats” in Mandarin and giving away our groceries.

That’s right, that’s right. I’ll be here all week. Feel free to tip the assistant administrators on my way out.

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