Virginia Satir was a pioneer in family therapy.  Her book on conjoint family therapy in 1964 was ground-breaking.  Before her death in 1968, Virginia was a prolific writer and popular speaker in the field of family therapy.

One of her most help things I’ve found in her work has to do with communication.  Too often marriage and family problems are simply dismissed as being problems of communication.  Obviously that is too simplistic.  Nevertheless each of us knows communication that is complete, clear, and accurate is essential in our healthy and happy relationships.

Satir identified five ways by which a person under stress might communicate with other persons.  These styles of communication are expressed verbally, yet they also are expressed through body language and position.  The following are examples.

PLACATERS.  These persons may act weak, tentative, and self-effacing, always agreeing, apologizing, and trying to please.  They are afraid to risk disapproval by speaking up, disagreeing, or acting in any way independent of others.

BLAMERS.  These persons tend to dominate, find fault, and accuse.  Most likely these persons feel threatened and respond by attacking, which is hardly more than an attempt to cover up their feelings of being empty and unloved.

SUPER REASONABLE.  They are persons who seek to maintain intellectual  control while making certain not to become emotionally involved.  Such persons adopt a rigid stance, while trying to remain detached, cool, and calm.  They feel safe only at a distance.  They are frightened  by their feelings of vulnerability,

IRRELEVANT.  Such persons seem to be unable to relate to what’s going on, and they engage in distraction.  They may hope to gain approval by acting cute and harmless.

CONGRUENT.  Here is ideal communication.  Speech which is straight, expressive language spoken in a responsible context.

Two scripture verses come in mind.  James 3:13, KJV: “Who is a wise man and endured with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.”  Actually the word “conversation” used there is inclusive of all one’s life.  Our clearest communication is what we “say” though our manner of life.

Ephesians 4:29, NIV: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Pastor Jim Jackson, Richmond Hill Presbyterian Church