Pastor Devin Strong, Spirit of Peace Lutheran Church

If you can remember back to the first psychology class or two that you took, you might recall hearing the term “Family Systems Theory.”

Of course, the first generation of psychologists, including Frued, Addler, and Jung, focused exclusively on the battles going on in an individual mind, but by the mid-part of the last century a man named Murray Bowen came along and taught us that we humans are fundamentally social creatures who exist in relationships with one another. Bowen believed that you cannot fully understand a person’s psychological challenges until you understand the systems of relationships that she or he is involved in.

Of course, you and I are involved in many relationship systems at once, of which our family of origin is just one.

There are systems of relationships at work, among our friends, and in our marriages. We play distinct, and perhaps different roles, in each of these environments, and how we respond or react is definitely influenced by others.

Family Systems Theory can be useful when thinking about our life together in church and the larger society.

The image of the triangle is foundational to this school of mental health.

Geometrically speaking, the triangle is much more formidable than a simple line between two points. An equilateral triangle has a wide base. It can hold weight and is not easily blown over.

Bowen talks frequently about relationship triangles. A classic one is the judgmental mother-in-law who enlists her son to complain about the inadequacies of his new wife. Triangles also exist between a son and his parents whom he plays off one another to get what he wants, the employee who brings her friend with her to make a pitch to their demanding boss, and so on.

You and I love triangles because we feel so much stronger when we can partner with someone who thinks the same way we do. We feel stronger still when we can use that confident perch as the place from which to make someone else less than us. Moreover, a whole system can fall apart when one person in the triangle changes the role that they have been habitually playing or simply cuts off a relationship with one of the people in the threesome. This explains why so many people are disrupted when there is a divorce or even when a longtime alcoholic gets sober. Relationships survive on predictable stability, and even unhealthy triangles are at least predictable.

The problem is that triangles are, by definition, indirect. Isn’t it healthier to speak to the person who frustrates us head-on? Must we also find an ally to discover our own opinions? Bowen believed that we live in relationships, but we don’t need to be swallowed up by them. The healthy person is the one who can behave in substantially the same way moving between several different systems each week. She is able to set reasonable boundaries while being both firm and compassionate to others. It is certainly harder than it sounds. Anyone who has gone home for a family dinner knows that!

Still, the goal is not to get pulled into someone else’s triangle and not start new ones ourselves. Could our relationships with other people get healthier if we deliberately asked Jesus to join our triangle?