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Your tone of voice may be hurting your marriage
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A new study found that couples in therapy saw their relationships change based on their voices. - photo by Herb Scribner
Theres an old phrase that couples often use when something one partner says spawns an argument its not what you said, its how you said it.

Though some may just see the phrase as an excuse, there may be some truth to it as far as marital success is concerned.

A new study from researchers at the University of Southern California and the University of Utah found that your tone of voice may impact the success or failure of your marriage, according to a press release.

Specifically, the study found that how couples talk to each other about their emotions can affect the way partners feel in the relationship, according to the press release.

What you say is not the only thing that matters; its very important how you say it, University of Utah doctoral student Md Nasir said in the release. Our study confirms that it holds for a couples relationship as well.

Researchers reviewed more than 100 conversations from couples who were going through marriage therapy for two years and tracked their marital statuses for three additional years, according to Science Daily.

The researchers created a new computer algorithm that measured how a partners tone affected the relationship. The algorithm took the therapy recordings and broke them into acoustic features using speech-processing techniques such as pitch, intensity, jitter and shimmer, along with tracking warbles in the voice that can indicate moments of high emotion, according to the press release.

Through the algorithm, the researchers found that certain tones and sounds were associated with the changing state of a couples relationship.

Its not just about studying your emotions, USCs Shrikanth Narayanan said in the release. Its about studying the impact of what your partner says on your emotions.

The researchers said this was one of the first studies to show how specific tones and sounds reflect a couple's relationship status.

Researchers have long advised couples to be wary of how they speak with their spouse when confronting them with an argument or when communicating in general.

For example, Mitch Temple of Focus on the Family suggests that people often make mistakes when they approach their spouse by showing disrespect toward them, losing their control because of anger or blaming their spouse for relationship issues.

The best way to approach your spouse is by first finding the right time when he or she isnt stressed out or too busy, Temple explained. The approach should also be non-confrontational and topics should be brought up in a non-threatening way, Focus on the Family explained.

If your communication pattern has digressed to the point that when you bring up this topic, your spouse becomes defensive and blows up, you may consider writing him or her a letter to be read when you are not present, according to Focus on the Family. This gives your spouse time to think about what was said and respond without all the emotions.

Similarly, Good Therapy, a website that helps people find therapists and therapeutic advice, listed tone of voice as one of the most important parts of building a strong marriage. Susan Heitler, Ph.D., wrote for Good Therapy that couples often have an easier time communicating when they show positive emotions.

Positivity in tone of voice, actions such as hugs and smiles, and in words, makes communication flow more smoothly and affection grow more amply, Heitler wrote. Positivity enables partners to feel more relaxed with each other, which also helps them to feel flexible and eager to be responsive to each others concerns.

Heitler also suggests couples stay calm in moments when there are marital issues to keep negative emotions away.

Every negative emotional tone is like rust on the car its corrosive, not helpful, she wrote. And relationships feel positive to the extent that the partners can discuss all their differences in a calm mode without powering over each other via emotional escalations.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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