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Witnessing domestic violence can have lasting impact on youths, even if they aren't abused
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Roger Lockridge snuggles his son, Roger Wayne, 3. The Dawson, West Virginia, man said a childhood spent witnessing domestic violence has given him a sense of what not to do as a husband and father. - photo by Lois M Collins
When Roger Lockridge has to ponder what he should do as father to his 3-year-old son Roger Wayne, he ask himself what his own father would have done.

Then he usually does something else.

Lockridge is a childhood domestic violence (CDV) survivor. Now 34, the Dawson, West Virginia, man often saw his mom and dad fight. The last time was when he was 10 and his mom said she was leaving and taking the kids. The man held his wife, his kids and their grandmother at gunpoint for nearly 90 minutes, until he felt they were so intimidated that he could go outside and disable the car. He was drunk and about to pass out, Lockridge says. Lockridge's mom called police.

For four months, mom and kids lived in a domestic violence shelter, where they got therapy and practical assistance as his parents divorced.

Although his mother was physically abused, not him, Lockridge lived in the shadow of domestic violence just like 15 million American children today and an estimated 40 million adults who lived with it as kids, according to Brian F. Martin, CEO and founder of the Childhood Domestic Violence Association.

"It's surprising that it's not discussed more," said Martin. "Most people don't know what childhood domestic violence is. It's when you grow up in a home where there's violence between parents or toward a parent, perhaps by a significant other."

Some experts call it "child witness to violence," a name Martin said fails to capture the damage it inflicts.

He knows. Growing up, he saw his mother's boyfriend beat her. It took him years to get over the idea that he, a little boy then, should have stopped it.

Naming and assessing

Experts have struggled with what to call it when children witness violence at home, said Martin. It's not the same as child abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse or emotional abuse, though some of the children experience those, too. Martin numbers CDV among "about 10 adversities researchers say we can experience in childhood homes. If you have one, you usually have more than one. This is the one they don't talk about or fully understand."

CDV encodes what he calls a "series of negative beliefs" in the child's self-concept.

In a 2012 presentation, Betsy Groves, founder of the Child Witness to Violence Project at Boston Medical Center, said witnessing domestic violence teaches children no place is safe, no one can protect them and adults are vulnerable. Those children say their fear leads to aggression.

Children are not equally affected by seeing domestic violence, but it's a "particularly toxic form of trauma" for them; witnessing it may psychologically traumatize a child as much as being the direct victim, she said.

A UNICEF report found "children who live with and are aware of violence in the home face many challenges and risks that can last throughout their lives," including greater risk of being abused, increasing harm to the child's physical, emotional and social development, and a good chance it will kick off generational violence.

Martin said a researcher told him "who we believe we are is decided before we ever have a chance to choose. Then the brain finds evidence of what it believes is true." Martin felt like a "very weak coward" for not stopping the assaults on his mother. As he grew up, he said his mind found evidence to support it.

Feelings of guilt and shame kill willpower, he noted.

Among ways Martin said CDV strikes:

Health. "The leading 10 causes of death are linked to these homes. It ages your DNA," he said. He notes those people are six times more likely to kill themselves, 50 times more prone to addiction and 74 times more apt to be violent. While most won't be violent, their lives don't go the way they want, either.

Emotional. "It's very hard to find happiness if you believe terrible things about yourself," Martin said.

Relationships. "The best predictor of whether you will be in a violent relationship is whether you grew up in one. No one addresses that. It's like trying to reduce the incidence of lung cancer without addressing smoking," he said.

"Silence is a problem, along with judgment from those who didn't experience it, who say to just get over it. The first step is knowing what it's called, then seeking to understand it. Then you need to share it with someone who you know cares about you. It's amazing what those three steps can do."

Lingering legacy

"There are times still when I lack self-confidence, though I am an accomplished writer and recently bought my own home," said Lockridge. "I think that stems from my experience as a kid."

CDV never completely stopped affecting Lockridge, who has spoken publicly about it many times and wrote his story for Martin's book "Invincible: The 10 Lies You Learn Growing Up with Domestic Violence and the Truths to Set You Free." "I did not want my wife and children, if I was going to be blessed to have any, to experience this," he said. "It shapes how I conduct myself as a husband and as a father. Everything I have seen my parents go through, I try to do the exact opposite.

"Both my parents were alcoholics; I've never tasted alcohol. My dad bounced between jobs and when he was unemployed, mom had to carry the load. My wife doesn't have to work. If she wants to get a job, she can, but she doesn't have to," he said. Of his little boy, he adds, "I hope when he's an adult, he will tell others how great a dad he had."

Years later, after his dad finished rehab and stopped drinking, he re-established bonds with his children, a year before he died. Lockridge said not all of his siblings had the same experience or memories of a violent family life that he did. "My younger brother has no negative memories of my dad and my baby sister has no memories of him at all," he noted, because of their age when the family split. Older half-siblings were grown before his parents got together.

The UNICEF report said all children need a safe home environment and to know that "there are adults who will listen to them, believe them and shelter them." They also need routines, support services and to learn domestic violence is wrong. An important aspect of that is learning nonviolent conflict resolution techniques.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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