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Why your wife doesn't actually want you to 'fix it'
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Erin Stewart shares that sometimes women need an understanding partner who knows she is capable enough to solve her own problems but could use a listening ear and sympathetic word to let her know shes not alone. - photo by Erin Stewart
I recently told my husband that carrying around our 9-month-old son is messing up my back. I already have back issues, so lugging him around has made it worse, not to mention that he is going through some sort of awesome Ill-scream-bloody-murder-if-you-even-try-to-put-me-down phase.

My husband, ever the problem-solver, just looked at me confused, and said, Why dont you use the stroller?

After I thanked him profusely for his guidance and wisdom and then wondered out loud how I could ever survive without him, I proceeded to point out that I was not asking for his help.

Lets be honest, I was complaining. I was having a woe-is-me pity party and I just needed someone to acknowledge that having a squirmy 9-month-old must be exhausting, but Im doing a great job. Oh, and maybe something along the lines of, Honey, if your back hurts, let me rub it or take the kids or feed you chocolates in a bubble bath.

Is that too much to ask?

This happens time and time again in our marriage, and Im pretty sure were not alone. Men are problem-solvers. To my husband, I presented a dilemma and he, the great provider in our family, provided a solution. Your back hurts? Use a stroller!

But heres a few things I dont think men realize as they are knocking it out of the park with their perceived masculinity:

First, unless we specifically asked for advice or a solution, giving us one assumes we couldnt figure it out on our own.

Second, we already have a solution. Nine times out of 10, we women already know the answers to our problems because we are smart and capable and experienced in the things we do all day, every day.

Third, and this is the most important one, we are actually asking for validation, not an answer. We want you to sympathize with our struggles, not solve them. We want you to agree with us that the other mom in the pickup line needs to go back to drivers ed, or that child No. 2 clearly missed the life-skills lesson on how to flush a toilet.

What we dont want is for you to produce revolutionary ideas like use a stroller after we've spent a day carrying a crying baby around the house.

Now, I know there are going to be people who read this column and say I am a horrible wife for writing about my husband like this and that Im a man-hater and all that ridiculous rigmarole. (FYI, my husband is here next to me laughing as I write this and helped me narrow this anecdote down to just the one example. Thats right: There were many more).

But I dont hate men, and I dont think men do this on purpose. My husband, at least, has people coming to him all day at work for solutions to problems big and small. So when he gets home, hes in thinking mode and treats me like another employee coming to him with a dilemma. This may work well at the office, but its a recipe for disaster at home because A, I am not his employee, and B, see A.

So I am only trying to help out you men who are well-intentioned like my husband. You know who you are if youve ever wondered why your wife is giving you the death stare when you tell her to eat better if shes so worried about that extra holiday weight she put on.

To those men, consider this a public service announcement: Take off your problem-solver hat once in a while and dust off your listening cap.

Sometimes the only answer your wife needs is an understanding partner who knows she is capable enough to solve her own problems but could use a listening ear and sympathetic word to let her know shes not alone.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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