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Why we chose open adoption
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My son learning to walk between his mom and his birthmother. - photo by Erin Stewart
I have an open adoption with my sons birth parents. Basically, that means I send them pictures and updates of him regularly and visit with them a few times a year. My son is still too young to know who they are, but as he grows up, the hope is he will know the most important fact about them: They love him.

Often, when people hear we have an open adoption, they wonder how such a thing can work. Isnt that confusing for him? Isnt that hard on you? Isnt that heartbreaking for the birth mother?

The answer to all of those question is yes. Yes, its hard. Yes, its heartbreaking. Yes, its confusing because, lets face it, adoption is never, ever going to be simple.

And then, many people ask this question: Isnt it a burden? Do you feel you owe it to the birth mother or something?

Im always a little surprised by this question because an open adoption is not something we were forced into. Assuming the birth mother mandated an open adoption against our will doesnt give her or us much credit about our intent to do whats best for the child.

We chose open adoption even before my sons birth parents chose us. My husband and I hoped for some degree of openness in an adoption. Of course, every situation is different, but we were fortunate enough that our sons birth parents are wonderful people who will be a good influence on his life. To us, it just made more sense to include them in his life. It felt natural.

Its also one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do as a mother. Before each visit, I still get a pit in my stomach. I worry if shell think Im going a good job. If shell regret choosing me. And on a purely selfish level, its hard to face the truth that my son is not mine biologically. Of course I know this, but day in and day out, he is mine and mine alone. And on the days of our visits, I come face to face with the weird, complicated reality of his life.

But that reality is also beautiful.

The reality is I deeply believe that fostering a healthy, open adoption with my sons birth parents will give him three important things:

Answers. My son is going to have questions. He will want to know where he came from. He will want to know why his birth mother chose adoption. While he could take my word for it, how much better is it for him to hear his birth mother tell him how much she loved him and how she wanted a better life for him than she felt she could give? Again, open adoption wont work in every case, but in this situation, I love that he will be able to find out about his Mexican ancestry, about where his dimples came from and how his birth parents rocked him when he was born.

Choices. My son hasnt had many choices in his little life. He didnt get a say when we were all in the NICU, hashing out the details of the adoption agreement. We decided for him. A judge declared him our son. We all did what we thought was best for him, but he didnt get to choose. But one day, he will. Because we have left the door open for a relationship with his parents, he can decide if he wants them in his life later or not. If I dont open the door now, though, he will have already missed years of building a relationship with them.

Love. My sons birth parents and extended family adore him. They have loved and supported him from the moment he was born. I would never want to deny him their love.

Ultimately, adoption is about love. In the short time when his birth mother was his legal guardian, she showed more love than some people do in a lifetime. She broke her own heart for his sake.

And when he passed from her arms to mine, my heart grew stronger and bigger. I felt the love for her and for him, the boy I knew was coming to our family long before he ever did. I get to be his mother, and this mothers heart can take a few bumps and bruises along the way because thats what a mother biological, adoptive, step and anything in between does for the children she calls hers.

And in that way, this open adoption could never be a burden, only a blessing.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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