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Turning grumbling to gratitude
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Being grateful, Im learning, is so much more than being appreciative. Its being content with where you are in life and with who you are as a person. - photo by Carmen Rasmusen Herbert
I can always tell my mental state by the status of my house. A clean, organized home means a clear, put-together mind. If Im on top of things house-wise, that usually means Im feeling pretty put together.

My house is a mess.

I am running on fumes. I havent had a full nights sleep in two weeks or make that eight years. I know I write a lot about how chaotic my life is, mostly because its strangely therapeutic for me to overshare and I also feel like I am connecting to the hundreds of women out there who might be feeling somewhat like I am or at least they can read my column and be grateful they arent as crazy as me.

Recently, after dumping my fifth load of laundry out of their waiting to be folded baskets in my room, I crumbled like the clothes on the floor.

Everything I had been thinking about, worrying about and stressing about came to a boiling point. After listening and trying to help me through my volcanic eruption of emotions, my husband finally said, Carmen, life is good. Which was exactly not what I wanted to hear. I wasnt in the mental state to appreciate the goodness of life. I knew he was trying to be helpful, but it just made me more mad and more guilty for not being able to recognize that.

After a good long cry and a good long bath, I was feeling slightly better. I sat there in the now-cold bathwater thinking about how I got to this point. I have been trying really, really hard lately to be good a good mom, a good wife, a good housekeeper, a good visiting teacher, a good friend and a good volunteer.

But I still felt bad. After all, what kind of good housekeeper has dirty dishes from two days in her sink, clothes all over their closet floor, toys in the clothes bins and slightly rotten food in the fridge? What kind of good mom forgets to send their boy with lunch money again and has to check them in to school late again because they slept in from being up all night with a sick baby again? The thought that kept coming into my mind was, How do normal moms do this? I must be doing something wrong.

On one particularly crazy day, I had my baby on one hip and my nephew on the other, standing barefoot on my neighbors porch with a package of hers that had been opened by my 3-year-old, who had found a very nice, very expensive wallet inside that he needed for his money. Inside were two neighbor kids I was watching, along with my other three boys. My house smelled like little kids, old snacks and wet dog. It was loud.

As I stood on her front steps, my beautiful neighbor opened the door to her spotlessly clean, completely silent house. I was overcome with the orderliness of it. Her home was gorgeously decorated. Some heavenly Bath and Body Works scent was wafting through the air. All I could do was stare. It was a sharp contrast to mine.

Your home, it smells good, I stammered.

She laughed and I apologized two thousand times for my son opening her sons Christmas present and then herded my cattle back to their corral, knowing I looked like the frazzled woman I felt like.

I called my sister. How do people do it? I asked. I cant even keep up.

My sweet little sister said, Carmen. You are doing it. Raising your kids and being there for them that is it. That is what is most important. And all the crazy that comes with it. That is what life is all about.

I realized that by grumbling about what I was doing wrong left me no time to be grateful for what I was doing right. The loud house meant I was serving my neighbors by watching their sweet children. The dirty cushions meant I encouraged my boys to play make-believe and use their imaginations freely. The dirty dishes meant home-cooked meals, and nourishment to both body and soul for my family. What I have been hoping to achieve is not what "it" is all about.

Being grateful, Im learning, is so much more than being appreciative. Its being content with where you are in life, and with who you are as a person. This Thanksgiving, Im grateful for the reminder that life is good, even when it's loud and tiring and messy.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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