By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
The rebirth of etiquette: Are manners dead, or have they simply been repurposed for a new generation
f8c99f2e5c86f2736782eb366ac3c7cd33385ee975824f967c77356d87db29dc
Debra Lassiter is the founder and CEO of the Etiquette and Leadership Institute in Athens, Georgia. - photo by Tiffany Gee Lewis
Eliana Bonatis son was having a tough time making friends. Diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, he struggled initiating conversations with his peers.

When looking around for books and classes to help him, Bonati started in an unlikely place: She turned to manners.

In her mind, manners are how kids learn to express themselves and communicate appropriately. Once he had the skills, Bonatis son started to improve his relationships in a dramatic fashion. She realized she had stumbled upon a tool lacking for many young kids.

This inspired her to start Etiquette is 4 Me, a company in Provo geared toward teaching children manners in a fun and engaging way. Through themes like pirates, cowboys, princes and princesses, Bonati brings etiquette to life for church groups or birthday parties.

People think etiquette is just how to eat, how to use the fork and knife," she said. "But the manners I am teaching are more about respect: how to respect themselves, develop self-esteem and grow.

And children are almost never too young.

From age 2 and up, said Bonati, they are able to learn manners.

However, Bonati is concerned that parents dont give a high enough value to manners. The feeling she gets from fellow parents is that they would rather buy their kids a new toy than pay for a class on etiquette.

Are manners extinct? Is it an uphill battle to try to teach children and teens against the litany of bad examples? As Bonati points out, there are people in visible positions of power, both in government and the wider workforce, who dont have good manners.

Has etiquette gone the way of fish forks?

Not according to Debra Lassiter, founder and CEO of the Etiquette and Leadership Institute in Athens, Georgia.

Built from scratch 32 years ago, Lassiters company trains hundreds of kids and adults from elementary up through college each year. What she teaches has not altered, shes just repackaged it.

Communication and leadership are not dead, she said. We take what you and I know as manners and etiquette, and we spin it into leadership and communication. We make it fun. Then it has a different appeal to parents and students.

In fact, according to Lassiter, enrollment and interest in her institute is at an all-time high.

We strongly believe children and young adults want guidelines," she said. "They want to be disciplined. They want to do the right thing, but as adults we have to teach it, model it and expect it. Children may not always get it right, but if they are always trying and seeking to get better, then we are moving in the right direction.

The institute, which trains leaders to take their curriculum all over the world, emphasizes good communication skills. The classes begin with something as simple as eye contact. Kids have to wear a paper bag over their heads and try to have a discussion with the person across the table. This reinforces the idea that you cant talk to someone effectively if you cant see them.

One of the most powerful things Lassiter uses in her training is to teach kids the value of a name. They learn how to call each other by name, to remember names and to use them properly.

Lassiter asserts that if you learn someones name, and learn how to say it to their face, youre not going to be calling people hurtful names. Bullying of that nature ceases to exist.

Her view on where that will take the next generation of leaders is hopeful.

I would say that good manners are going to save our world, she said.

Joe Jensen, principal of Timpanogos High School in north Orem, believes that better relationships are already happening. For him, good behavior starts with modeling from the adults in charge, whether thats in the home or in the classroom.

The same principles that exist in the home exist in the school," he said. "When theres abuse of any kind, whether verbal or physical, youre going to have issues with kids and manners. If theres a teacher or coach treating kids poorly, its going to be reflected.

Jensen said that how he, as an administrator, treats the teachers and faculty has the greatest impact on school behavior. Beyond that, Timpanogos High has a strong culture of shared values, which, as in the case of Lassiters Leadership Institute, sound like good manners repackaged for a new generation of kids.

The school values, a bulleted list of 14 behaviors and attitudes such as develop and maintain a growth mind-set, communicate effectively and move as a team, are posted in each classroom.

As someone who seems to exude one of the school values, to see the cup half full, Jensen has an optimistic view of where manners are headed, especially in schools. He sees the relationship among students and with teachers as something that continues to get better.

Twenty years ago, the teachers were viewed as authoritarian. Thats changed significantly. It really does need to be a learning community, he said.

That community is one created through deliberate choices. Beyond just posting the school values, Jensen said the teachers and staff refer to them constantly.

As youre interacting with human beings all day long, theres going to be conflict and tension," Jensen said. "We very explicitly and deliberately teach those (values). Its both a skill and an art.

As someone who has been in education for 22 years, Jensen has seen the massive cumulative effect of these marginal gains.

Youre just improving a tiny, tiny bit over time," he said. "Thats very real with kids that have good manners. Just like when youre teaching your kids at home through consistency, nurture and correction.

"You have a couple of opportunities a day to correct them. You do that twice a day over a year, thats more than 700 slight course corrections. That kid is going to be different than if youd never done it.
Sign up for our E-Newsletters
How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
ce406c66b9871a104ac24256a687e4821d75680dcfc89d9e5398939543f7f88f
A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
Latest Obituaries