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Nix this word to boost marriage communication
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No Caption - photo by Erin Stewart
Do you ever have one of those conversations with your spouse where no matter what either of you say, the other person is going to take it the wrong way? You know the ones Im talking about, right? The exchange starts off a little rocky and quickly devolves into a full-on hostile situation. One person gets offended. The other feels judged. Nobody feels heard. And both of you finally just stop talking because there is clearly no way the other person could ever, ever, EVER see your point of view because clearly, they hate your guts and wish they had never married you.

Tell me Im not alone here.

After 15 years of marriage and plenty of both great talks and hostile encounters, my husband and I are taking a relationship class because, one, who doesnt need a tune-up? And two, Im tired of these types of conversations.

And of course, one of the very first things we talked about was healthy communication. I expected to hear all the usual stuff about how to be an active listener but instead, we started by talking about how to be a good speaker. We have to first learn how to express our needs in a way that doesnt spiral into a hostile situation.

And the key? Taking out one little word: You.

I know. I was skeptical, too. But hear me out.

Often, when I want to tell my husband that something he is doing or not doing is driving me absolutely up-the-wall bonkers, I begin with you. Lets look at some examples which may or may not actually be from my marriage.

You dont pay attention to me.

You need to get your to-do list done.

You are disgusting when you cut your toenails in bed.

You. You. You.

And so, of course, my hubby immediately gets defensive. And who can blame him, really? Ive just given him the green light to make the conversation all about him. So, he responds:

Dont pay attention?! What do you call that date I planned last week?

I cant stand your nagging!

Its my bed. I can cut my toenails where I want.

But what if we take out the you? What if instead of pointing a finger at our spouse, we turn that finger around at point it at ourselves. What if we make it about how I am feeling instead of what my spouse is doing?

I feel neglected and alone.

I am overwhelmed.

I felt grossed out when a rogue toenail clipping stabbed me in my sleep.

When you turn the spotlight on yourself, your partner doesnt feel the need to prove you wrong or lash out. Instead of being defensive, your spouse has the chance to listen, support and help you.

What makes you feel alone? What would make you feel more loved?

You do so much around here. What would help take some of the pressure off?

Oh, well, I can do this in the bathroom then.

Sounds easy, right? Its not. The first time my husband I tried to express our feelings without the word you, it was nearly impossible. The more I tried to turn the spotlight on what I was feeling rather than what he was doing, the more I had to really look at myself and what I wanted. I had to actually pinpoint why his behavior was bothering rather than just blindly pointing out his flaws.

By doing so, I was able to get to the root of my actual issues, and my husband was able to offer me meaningful support and love while I figured it out.

It was mind-blowing!

Dont believe in the power of omitting the word you"? Try it this week with your spouse. I will even give you a handy-dandy formula to follow:

Spouse No. 1: I feel (insert emotion) because (identify why).

Do not use the word you anywhere in this sentence. If you cant complete this sentence without you, take some more time to reflect before having this conversation. Or, ask your partner for help processing your emotions to determine why something is bothering you, but again, dont use the word you.

Spouse No. 2: Identify and restate the feeling of the speaker. You felt mad because there are an insane number of dishes in the sink every day.

At this point, Spouse No. 1 may feel prompted to share more, or Spouse No. 2 may need to ask follow-up questions or just offer support if its not a resolvable problem. Tell me more. How long have you felt this way? What could make it better? I cant imagine how hard thats been for you.

Give it a whirl and let me know how it goes, and then come back next week for more relationship tune-up advice.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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