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Moms: Your dreams don't end with motherhood
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Motherhood doesn't require us to put our personal dreams in a box and take them out 18 years later. - photo by Erin Stewart
Four years ago, I made a decision: I was going to write a novel. I had a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old, and absolutely no free time, but I discussed my goals with my husband and forged ahead anyway.

Four days ago, a literary agent in New York sent me a contract to officially represent my finished novel and try to sell it to a publisher.

There are about a million obstacles between now and actually seeing my book on bookshelves, so perhaps my excitement is premature. But heres the thing: My moment of success came in the moment I achieved my goal. I wrote the book despite children, work, life and all the other things that fill up a mothers day.

Dont get me wrong, I was also ecstatic about the agent. I jumped around the house for 15 minutes and found at least 50 ways to use the phrase my agent that evening with my family. But the fact remains that I could never have had that celebration if I hadnt committed four years ago to pursuing a lifelong dream of mine that I had lost for a while.

I think mothers (especially stay-at-home mothers) often fall into the trap that when our children are born, the torch is officially passed to the new generation. We lay our own talents and skills and dreams on the altar of motherhood. We give up our dreams for those of our children because they are now the center of our universe.

We become the person who author Erma Bombeck described when she said, There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, Yes, Ive got dreams, of course Ive got dreams. Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, theyre still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box.

As mothers, we don't need to box up our dreams and open them up 18 years later when our mothering is done.

Yes, sacrificing parts of who we are is a huge and necessary component of motherhood. But as I pursued this writing goal of mine these last few years, I realized that being a mom and pursuing my dreams are not mutually exclusive.

First, I had to admit that I cant have it all at least not all at once. I couldnt suddenly become a writer 24/7. I still had children who needed me, and paying writing and teaching jobs I had to continue. But just as with prioritizing my husbands career and my childrens needs, my own dreams needed to be put into the mix.

Then I had to address the issue of time. Theres simply not enough time for everything. Theres only enough time in a day to accomplish the top few things on your list. So in our house, some things just dont get done every once in a while. When I was bogged down in revisions, we ate a lot of takeout, and I finally broke down and did laundry only when there was absolutely no clean underwear left in the house. But you know what? We all survived.

The truth is, I only started making real progress when I carved out specific writing time each day and protected it ferociously no matter what else didnt get done.

Even with my sacred writing time, I had to accept that life comes in waves. Life happens while we pursue our goals. At one point, my daughter stopped napping and my writing time vanished. Well, thats the end of that, I thought. Then she started preschool the next year, and I rededicated those precious morning hours to writing.

Life is going to keep moving at breakneck speed, and thats OK. Kids get sick. Husbands get new jobs across the country. There were times I had to put my writing aside for a bit because of something bigger. But even in those moments, I never lost sight of my goal.

Sure, there were plenty of times when I thought, This is a gigantic waste of my time. Guilt plagued me about not spending every waking second with my children. I sometimes felt self-indulgent spending so much time on something that might never be anything more than a Word document on my computer. But then a good friend told me, Youre using the talents and skills God gave you and doing something that makes you happy. How could that ever be a waste of time?

As I pushed forward despite my doubts, I also found unexpected cheerleaders in my children and husband. I worried at first that they would resent me taking time for my writing. Instead, my children love to talk about my book or listen when Im stuck at a crucial plot point. When my manuscript won an award a few months ago, my kindergartner proudly proclaimed she couldnt wait to tell her teacher the next day.

I love that my daughters get to see me achieve my goals, and I hope it reminds them that they can do anything they set their minds to.

And that brings me to the most important thing Ive learned so far: I owe myself at least the same amount of faith as I have in my daughters.

When I look at them, I see so much potential and possibility. I dream huge dreams for them of using their talents and growing into extraordinary young women. I also envision them finding the joy that I have found in motherhood one day.

When they do, I hope they know its OK to continue dreaming their other dreams, too. Their talents and skills and desires dont end when they earn the title of Mom. Although thats the most important name I wear, I am also so much more.

So I give myself the same permission I give the little women I am raising: Dream as big as you can, and then get to work. You deserve it.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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