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Is your love tantrum-proof?
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How to deal with your tantrum-throwing child with love. - photo by Kristen Speridakos
Just before our first daughter Faith turned three, her sweet temperament turned rebellious, and her escalating fits and tantrums began to fragment our loving family. Timeouts, no matter how long, and spankings didnt seem to faze her. Physically hurting her is not a parenting option for me. But I was beginning to wonder if any of us would survive her tantrum stage.

I remember the night everything changed. What had begun as a fun evening with Faith at a local festival turned into the perfect storm when finally my wife Tammie and I told Faith it was time to leave. Faith fell down on the ground and started screaming. I picked her up and put her under my arm and walked her briskly out of the festival grounds to my truck. She kicked and wailed, swung her arms and even tried to bite me. She screamed all the way home.

But Faiths tantrums would end with that long night.

Here are 10 tips we followed to stomp out the tantrums:

1. Let youryes be yes, and your no be no (most of the time)

Sometimes if your child wants something bad enough and it won't hurt them, let them win so you don't break their spirit.

2. Realize that tantrums can be inconvenient and embarrassing for everyone

Know the steps for parenting through the tantrum before it happens and be ready to show the child your love is real, and your rules are important enough to stand against their tantrum.

3. Take time to see the tantrum through

Dont give in. A strong-willed child can wear you down and wait you out, so settle in for the long haul. Their will may be strong, but your love is stronger, and love perseveres!

4. Realize that they really don't want to win

They don't really want control. They are most secure with consistent structure and a parent they can count on to be their parent in every situation.

5. Remain calm

Children's emotions and their own tantrums can scare them. A child needs the parent to be calm and firm and willing to help the child work through the tantrum.

6. Discipline with love, not frustration or anger

Let the child see and feel your unconditional love, even during their tantrum. Speaking with a quiet voice can bring their tantrum noise level down a decibel or two. Never forget, the tantrum is not about you, but about whats best for them, and tell them that, so they dont think you only want to keep them from getting what they want.

7. Remain the adult

Don't give in to the child or to your own inner-child.

8. Stay focused on what you want the child to learn from the incident

Find the life lesson and teach it through love and example. Wait for an opportunity to help the child save face and come around. Sit with themand if necessary take them away from other people.When they calm down enough to hear you, tell them you love them enough to help them understand that there is a better way to express and manage their emotions; and that throwing tantrums, disrespecting authority, and not considering others is behavior you dont want them to learnbecause it will destroy their lives.

9. Let your child become part of the resolution to the tantrum

Dont let them have their way, instead have them talk respectfully about their feelings, or have them apologize for their behavior.

10. Reassure the child

When the tantrum is over, make sure you reassure the child of your love and their worth and praise them for any of their behavior through the episode that was positive.

Trust makes the difference in turning tantrums around. Trust lays the groundwork. Parents consistent actions and reactions teach a child to trust that their parents mean what they say, and their parents will truly try their best always to do what is best for the child. Tammie and I had already worked hard to establish that trust with our daughter.

For the better part of three hours the night of the Rice Festival, Faith sat strapped in her car seat screaming and crying. I sat with her in the truck parked in our driveway. In between her screaming fits, I told her I loved her, and that we wouldnt get out of the car and go in until she had apologized for her behavior. It seemed an eternity before I finally heard Faith whisper, "Im sorry, Daddy."

I snatched her out of that seat so fast she didn't know what happened and we both cried like babies together. I was so afraid she would resent me, but I was so amazed that, instead, she held me tighter than she ever had before. I just kept telling her how proud I was of her for saying she was sorry, how much I loved her, how she was such an amazing little girl and how I never wanted her to act like that again. When we went in the house, we celebrated Faiths apology to her mother, with the focus on Faiths good behavior, not her tantrum.

The takeaways for Faith:

  • Her feelings could not command every situation, her behavior that night was unacceptable, and her tantrums would never change those truths.
  • I cared enough about her to sit with her in the storm of her emotions, to teach her rather than cave to her emotions, to wait for her hearts apology and to love her through it all.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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