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Is you marriage a 'safe' place?
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Do you feel emotionally, physically and sexually safe in your marriage? If not, your relationship may not be healthy. - photo by Wendy Jessen
Wendy Jessen
FamilyShare
Published: Sep 8, 2015, 5:19 PM
When you get married, your spouse is the only family member that you get to choose. So, why pick someone who doesn't make you feel safe?

A healthy marriage is one where both husband and wife feel safe in every aspect of their relationship. You should feel confident in each other's love and be able to rely on and support one another. If you don't feel loved, protected and safe, you may need to reevaluate if your marriage truly is a marriage partnership or not.

Unfortunately, there are many people who find themselves in an abusive relationship. Abuse should not be a "normal" part of life for anyone. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal and sexual.

These are some areas of safety that are necessary in a healthy marriage:

Emotional safety

Feeling emotionally safe is a huge part of a healthy marriage. "Emotional safety means being able to be yourself and feel connected to your partner. When a couple has this, each partner can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection," states a Family Studies article. Both husband and wife ought to be able to communicate without fear of backlash from their spouse.

This doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is argument-free. But arguments that escalate to verbal abuse name calling, belittling, swearing at you or using other words meant to hurt does not demonstrate emotional safety. If you constantly feel like you don't have a voice or choices in your own life or your marriage, you may be a victim of emotional abuse.

Both husband and wife should be treated as equals; neither spouse should talk down to the other or make the other one feel like less of a person. Marriage is a partnership where each person should be valued and respected.

Physical safety

"There should be no threat of being physically harmed, nor should either partner be physically or emotionally intimidated by the other...[O]ne red flag...is fearfear of being hurt or controlled by ones partner, or fear that others will be hurt," according to Family Studies' Scott Stanley.

Using physical force on another person is NEVER okay. You didn't deserve it, no matter what an abusive partner may tell you. You should not live in fear of physical punishment to you or another person in your family because the house is a mess, dinner is under or overcooked, you didn't read your partner's mind or for any other alleged "reason." Hitting, slapping, shoving, kicking, biting or gripping another person hard is abuse. And an "apology" that includes anything like, "...but you shouldn't upset me like that" or any other mention of it being your fault is not an apology at all, but rather an excuse to abuse you the next time you "mess up."

The only touch that you should experience is the kind of touch coupled with love. Hugs, kisses, snuggling, hand-holding or other gentle and kind affection that brings feelings of love, safety and protection.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, there is help available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Get help. Don't stay in a situation that violates your physical safety.

Sexual safety

A big part of marriage is sex. However, that does not mean that you have to have sex against your will just because you are married. Sadly, some marriages have included instances of rape and sexual abuse.

Sex is meant for bonding and an expression of love between spouses. You need to feel safety in your marriage before, during and after sex. A lot of that safety comes from having emotional as well as physical safety. Both partners need to be comfortable with what happens in the bedroom, but that safety is threatened when ANY abuse is present.

Another threat to sexual safety is pornography usage and infidelity. Pornography can rob a marriage of real love and lead to infidelity to increase the "thrill" levels of sexual encounters. Some may argue that pornography enhances their bedroom experiences, but it can actually end up damaging your marriage. Things that were once a "turn on" may not be due to the increasing need of more and different, often more hard-core, pornography. It can also lead to sexual dysfunction, which can adversely affect your sex life.

Partners may also begin to feel undesirable to their spouse because of pornography. Sexual safety is threatened when pornography becomes a necessity; this threat extends to affairs as well. If your spouse is seeking extra-marital sex, this compromises your emotional safety. Not only that, but affairs increase your risk of divorce. You may not be able to fully trust your spouse again, which can adversely affect your desire to have sex with an unfaithful partner.

Healthy marriages are built on safety. Emotional, physical and sexual safety must be present. Without this safe environment, couples cannot grow together and strengthen their relationship. One partner should not be in a dominate position over the other and should not be working to control the other person through abuse. Marriage is a partnership with two equals who treat each other with love, respect and with kindness.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Amy Iverson
Deseret News
Published: May 16, 2018, 1:59 PM
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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