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How hookup culture hurts the way we talk about sex
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Mens Fitness magazine just published an article that didnt fit well with many readers. - photo by Herb Scribner
Mens Fitness magazine just published an article that didnt fit well with many readers.

The article, published in its dating advice section, had the headline: How to turn a No into a Yes.'"

Written by Nick Savoy, the article outlined various ways that men can ignore any rejection they face from women and how they can eventually convince women to accept their advances.

All they need, he said, is determination.

"What separates the men from the boys is how you handle rejection and how quickly you can turn things around," he wrote, according to Distractify. He added, "Plow ahead anyway."

Though on the surface this could be seen as an article that encourages persistence, Savoy wrote these tips could help men avoid rejection while out on a date, when theyre in a relationship or even in bed.

This didnt sit well with readers. The response was so strong that Mens Fitness eventually removed the in bed portion of the article before the entire article got taken down from its website. The magazine said the piece didnt match editorial standards.

Social media users said the same, but with a bit more colorful language.

Writer Aura Bogado was one of the most outspoken critics of the article. She shared a few Twitter posts where she condemned it for embracing rape culture, BBC reported.

"You're advising men to force women who say no to say yes," Bogado wrote on Twitter. "This is rape culture, plain and simple."

This magazine cover is another example of American culture embracing casual sex, she said.

And since the article so casually talks about sex and treats consent as something that can be plowed over, it neglects to encourage sober and intimate ways of talking over consent, which may be damaging the way Americans view sex. Changing that cultural idea, though, could help cut back on sexual assault, experts say.

One of those experts is Leah Fessler, a recent college graduate who writes about sex, culture and gender, who recently spoke with The Atlantics Conor Friedersdorf about this issue. Fessler said there seems to be a very blurry distinction right now among college campuses when it comes to sex because the United States has a hook up culture that makes people engage in casual sex, when it might not be what all Americans want.

When environmental influences on rape and sexual assault are discussed, the focus is often on alcohol, binge drinking and Greek life facilitating excessive intoxication, Fessler said. But what about the less understood role played by social pressures that push students to have and promote emotionless, casual, meaningless sex?

Fessler said shes met victims who have neglected to report their assaults because theyre unsure if they were actually raped because they agreed to some sexual acts. The victims felt that the casual sex culture, though, made them willing to participate in some acts, which is why they felt responsible.

Consent plays a hefty role in this predicament; many survivors struggle to accuse their rapists as such if they consented to some or even most of a sexual engagement, but not all physical acts that occurred, she said.

Of course, she makes it clear that there are many cases where sexual assault victims were specifically and purposefully attacked, in cases where the attacker had sociopathic behavior and crystal clear lack of consent, like Brock Turner, she said.

But too much sex in our culture, she said, may make it so people neglect to have honest and open conversations about consent and sex. She pointed to pornography, which seems to encourage abusive sexual attitudes that champion men over women. She said pornography discourages Americans from having open and honest conversation about sex.

Understanding hookup culture, and questioning what may be my generations deeply complicated and perhaps delusional relationship with sex, will not entirely resolve campus rape, she said. Yet perhaps by analyzing campus sexual culture more holistically, we can understand and diagnose otherwise obscure root causes for sexual misconduct on college campuses. These cultural and perceptual changes almost certainly wont happen unless we dare to engage this debate.

You can see a similar mindset among married couples, too. There are married couples out here who think that sex automatically comes with a marriage, and that their partners should be willing to consent. In fact, the American Bar Association found that almost 25 percent of wives and 7.6 percent of husbands reported being raped or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse.

According to Salon, this may be because of our hookup culture. Married couples feel, too, like they can just engage in sex whenever they want. Thats why, if all of this is to be considered, its important for spouses to have informed conversations about consent, too.

Experts told the Wall Street Journals Elizabeth Bernstein that married couples should be willing to talk with their spouse in intimate ways, since thatll help partners become more understanding of each other and how they view sex.

"Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk," Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist, told WSJ. "You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability.

McCarthy said theres no easy way for married couples to have these conversations. But Bernstein suggested these tips for how married couples can talk about consent:

1. Make sure youre gentle

Bernstein said youll want to start talking about sex with a comforting opening line, allowing your partner to know youre having an intimate conversation.

2. Talk about sex outside the bedroom

Bernstein said conversations about sex should happen when youre taking a drive or having dinner, never when youre in the bedroom.

3. If theres a problem, dont blame anyone

If couples are having problems when it comes to sex, they should discuss these issues openly, but not assign blame to one particular spouse.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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