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Has Facebook given you FOMO?
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In this edition of LIFEadvice Coach Kim explains The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), how you might get it and how to beat it. - photo by Kim Giles
Question:

I spend way too much time on social media. Every minute of down time I have to check whats happening on Facebook, and Im starting to feel that it runs my life. I should just cancel my account, but I get anxious when I even think about cutting back. I know it isnt making me happier, and its probably adding to depression, since everyones life seems more fun and more successful than mine. Should I just give it up or is there a way to be part of it without it running my life? Also how can I be on it without feeling worse about myself?

Answer:

You probably have what is now being called FOMO: the Fear Of Missing Out. A recent JWT survey said 70 percent of adults have FOMO, and it causes a serious amount of stress and anxiety. Researchers at Edinburgh University said that one out of 10 Facebook users admit the site makes them anxious (and they feel an unhealthy amount of pressure to come up with inventive status updates and stay up to date on everyone's lives). But in spite of all of this, most people refuse to cancel their accounts.

Facebook also makes many people feel depressed and inadequate. A study conducted by two German Universities found that Facebook created envy and an unhealthy level of social comparison in many users yet we cant stop looking at it.

Most of us started using Facebook because we wanted to stay connected with other people, but now it feels like a competition where we must constantly prove our value and define our existence. There is no doubt life would be less stressful if you canceled your social media accounts. You would get more done and spend less time comparing yourself with others, but we all get why you cant do it. You might miss something and the fear of loss is a powerful force.

The fear of missing out might show up in other areas of life, too. It may compel you to record every episode of your favorite show so you dont miss it, even though your life would go on just fine if you missed it. You may buy things you dont need if there is an amazing price for a limited time. You might even struggle with ordering in a restaurant, because you are afraid you might miss out on whatever you decide not to get. You may stay uncommitted on your weekend plans, because you want to check all the options before you commit. You might struggle with making all kinds of simple decisions because every choice means missing out on the other options.

This fear could also cause problems in your relationships. You may hesitate to marry this girl or that boy, because you might miss out on someone better who could come along later. But, if you dont marry that person and decide to wait for a better one, you might regret that and wish youd taken this one. (This is FOMO at work, and it can create anxiety everywhere!)

Here are a couple suggestions for easing FOMO and having a healthier mindset about social media:

  1. Put choices in perspective. If you miss the finale of your favorite show, is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of your life? If you order something for dinner you dont love, does it really matter? The degree to which you suffer over these small things is totally in your control. If you miss a party because you werent on Facebook to see the invitation, it is not the end of the world. Ask yourself this question often: Ten years from now how much is this thing you are missing going to matter?

  2. Accept that you are going to miss some things and you will be fine. Missing some things doesn't change your value or diminish your life. Whatever choice you make brings different lessons or experiences with it. Choose to see those as your perfect journey at this moment.

  3. Trust that your choices are the right ones for you. Every time you make a decision, you are nudged by your gut in that direction. Trust that these nudges mean something. Whatever choice you feel nudged to make, will create your perfect next lesson. This helps you let go of the other options without regret.

  4. Make a rule against comparing yourself with other people. You cannot base your self-worth on how you compare to others. There will always be someone who has more friends, has more fun, and is more clever, witty and photogenic than you are. Switch your focus online to what you can give instead. Post things that life, serve or educate others instead of just running a PR campaign about how awesome you are. Also remember, there is no person on the planet who got signed up for the same classroom journey you did. You are a one-of-a-kind soul on a totally unique journey through life, and there is no space where comparing yourself to others serves you. We all have the same value. (If you struggle with this, consider getting some help from a coach or counselor to work on your self-esteem.)

  5. Choose gratitude for every small blessing in your life. Start a gratitude journal or take some time every day to meditate on whats right about who you are and what you have.

  6. Refuse to wallow in regret, its a waste of energy. It does you no good whatsoever to waste today regretting a past decision you cannot change. Let it go and focus on today. It is the only place you have any control.

  7. Limit the time you spend online. Get out and do things in the real world instead. Find some interests, hobbies or projects to do. Studies have shown that people are more happy when they are busy and active and off their devices. You may want to make a rule for yourself and only check social media once or twice a day at a certain time, instead of all the time.

  8. Remember life isnt a contest, race or competition. The goal of life is to become the most loving, fulfilled happy contributor to society you can be. It is not about being better than anyone else. It is about learning and loving, so choose to focus on learning, growing and giving to others. You cant experience fear when you are actively choosing love.

  9. Remember that Facebook is not an accurate picture of real life. People only post the stuff that makes them look good. In real life everyone has struggles and problems. Facebook is mostly a PR campaign to sell an image of success and happiness. You cant compare this highlight reel with your real life. If certain people and their posts make you feel inadequate, you can always unfollow them. That way you are still friends but dont see everything they post.

I would also recommend doing some work on your self-worth so you know your infinite absolute value is the same as every other soul, no matter what you do or post online. Ive written many articles on this you can find on my blog.

You can do this.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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