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Do stepfamily relationships hold together when the kids grow up?
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Penn State researchers have been investigating what happens to relationships when the kids in stepfamilies grow up. Findings were published in the Journal of Family and Marriage. - photo by Lois M Collins
Close to a third of American kids will be in a stepfamily at some point, most of them living with their biological mother and a stepfather. When those kids become young adults, will the relationship with the stepfather hold up?

That's a question that researchers at Penn State have been exploring, and their findings were published in the June edition of the Journal of Family and Marriage.

"Relationships between stepparents and stepchildren and negotiating parenting roles between two sets of parents can cause strain in newly formed stepfamilies," researcher Valarie King, professor and director of the Penn State Family Demography Training Program, said in a written statement. "Given that children usually live primarily with their mothers when biological parents separate, we wanted to focus on the relationship between adolescents and stepfathers and how they change and develop over time."

King and Ph.D. candidate Rachel Lindstrom found that the quality of the stepchild's relationship with other relatives determined how good the relationship was with the stepfather. "Stepchildren who reported feeling close to their mothers also had a closer relationship to their stepfathers and reported stronger feelings of family belonging in adolescence," they said.

Supportive marriages mattered because it helped couples develop stronger relationships with the children. King suggested that "a good marriage might encourage stepfathers to develop and maintain a relationship with stepchildren, and stepchildren may also be more likely to form bonds with stepfathers who make their mother happy and seem to be making positive contributions to the family."

They found "much variability in how these relationships unfold over time, although a sizable minority of youth remained close to their stepfathers."

The study used data from the first and third waves of the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent to Adult Health, which is a sampling of youths grades seven through 12 in the 1994-95 school year, who were then followed over time with in-home interviews. This study focused on stepchildren who had lived with their married biological mothers and stepfathers, who were still living together when the children reached adulthood.

When long-term child-stepparent relationships were good, the transition to adulthood seemed to go more smoothly as well, the research found.

Other research has documented some of the challenges with stepparenting. For example, in so-called "mine, yours and ours" families where each partner in a marriage has at least one child from a previous marriage or partnership and they then also have a shared biological child the number of roles influences parental well-being. The Deseret News reported on a study published last year in the journal Social Work:

"Data from more than 6,000 nationally representative parents showed the more roles a person fills biological parent, stepparent, noncustodial parent, often all at once the greater the likelihood of depression. While that was true for both genders, it particularly impacted multirole stepdads, according to the study by Kevin Shafer, a professor of social work at Brigham Young University and Garrett T. Pace, a research specialist at Princeton's Center for Research on Child Wellbeing."

The American Psychological Association notes some of the challenges in forming successful stepfamilies: "Recent research suggests that younger adolescents (age 10-14) may have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. "Older adolescents (age 15 and older) need less parenting and may have less investment in stepfamily life, while younger children (under age 10) are usually more accepting of a new adult in the family, particularly when the adult is a positive influence. Young adolescents, who are forming their own identities tend to be a bit more difficult to deal with."

APA also offers some advice: "Stepparents should at first establish a relationship with the children that is more akin to a friend or 'camp counselor,' rather than a disciplinarian. Couples can also agree that the custodial parent remain primarily responsible for control and discipline of the children until the stepparent and children develop a solid bond."
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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