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A performance review with your spouse could save your marriage
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Marriage therapists and experts agree that having a performance review about your marriage could help your relationship grow and remain strong. - photo by Herb Scribner
The key to saving your marriage may also be the thing you hate doing at work: an annual review.

Many marriage therapists encourage spouses, and even romantic partners, complete periodic performance reviews to inspect their relationship, find any problems that exist and identify goals for improvement, according to The Wall Street Journal.

Its the relationship equivalent of the six-month dental checkup, James Cordova, director of the Center for Couples and Family Research at Clark University, told WSJ.

But couples cant go into this with a soft approach, experts say.

Couples have to be careful, and constructive, when sharing their assessments, according to WSJ. Fairness is crucial. And for couples in a relationship crisis, a performance review is unlikely to help.

This isnt just advice, but it's based on research.

Back in 2014, Cordova had couples fill out questionnaires about their partners strengths and weaknesses, The Daily Beast reported. There were six-month checkups thereafter, with a control group being told their checkup would be delayed, The Daily Beast reported.

The couples who had the six-month checkups reported greater marital satisfaction and happiness than those who didnt receive the checkup, according to The Daily Beast.

But while Cordovas research may have found this based on six-month checkups, others, like Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, who are marriage coaches and have been married for 34 years, schedule informal discussions with each other every Tuesday and Thursday, where they talk about problems or conflicts that have arisen in the past few days, WSJ reported.

It makes sense, too, that these reviews would work for a marriage. Communication about relationship issues has long been considered a key to a happy relationship, as our own JJ Feinauer wrote back in June of this year.

In fact, a study from Cornell University found that communication is one of the three keys to a happy marriage, since it can help solve marital issues, Feinauer reported

Most marital problems can be solved through open communication, and conversely many whose marriages dissolved blamed lack of communication, the study said.

The researchers dont mention any bonuses given out after a good review, as some workers sometimes see. Weve seen bonuses given out to spouses, though, in the past, which has sparked some controversy, and may mean the performance review method may not be accepted by all.

As our own Shelby Slade reported, Polly Phillips, whos married to an executive in the oil industry, wrote for the New York Post that she often receives a wife bonus from her husband because she has given up, and continues to give up, many opportunities to care for their daughter and home.

This sparked some controversy online, with some wives saying these kinds of bonuses make women feel more dependent on their husbands, Slade reported.

And, as Heather Landy of Quartz wrote, these bonuses dont do much to help relationship satisfaction. This is according to a University of Chicago research paper that found incentives and bonuses don't always make workers more productive.

That is to say, a good marital performance review, or some kind of bonus, may not make a spouse any better at their relationship.

With that in mind, conducting a marriage review may seem daunting at first, but Rebecca Chory, a professor at Frostburg State University, offered six tips for conducting a positive performance review for your marriage to The Wall Street Journal.

Chory said its important not to put down your partner, but rather identify his or her bad behaviors and explain how you came to those ideas. Couples may also want to show youre bringing up issues that youre consistently upset about, and not criticize your spouse for something one time and laugh it off another, WSJ reported.

Couples should also allow their partners to respond to the feedback and be clear about whatever goals theyd like them to change in the future, Chory said.

Cordova agreed.

If you are doing it well, he said, you can tell because you will feel closer to each other and will each feel understood."

For more on building a happy marriage:

Want to see if your relationship will last? Check your partner's credit score

5 ways God can save your marriage

10 heroic things you can do to save your marriage
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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