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6 reasons we teach our teens to distrust others
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Teenagers are in the most manipulative years of their development. Its a scary time for parents. How can we ensure that theyll learn the value of respect? Here are some ways we teach our teens the opposite. - photo by Tyler Jacobson
Teenagers are in the most manipulative years of their development. Its a scary time for parents and can be a battle of wills just trying to do whats best for them. How can we ensure that theyll learn the value of respect? That theyll achieve all that they're capable of achieving? Its a difficult relationship to manage, but the most important thing to give them is a stable sense of trust. Unfortunately, here are some ways we teach our teens the opposite:

1. We betray their privacy

Its difficult to go from raising them as infants and managing every aspect of their lives to giving them space as teens. Theyre individuals now, so you should respect their privacy. If you break that boundary by snooping through their personal belongings, journals and cell phone (whether you pay for it or not), youll only make them get better at hiding themselves from you. That shouldnt be the end goal. Like any good relationship, you have to trust them in order for them to trust you too.

2. We dont create boundaries

Boundaries mean knowing where the line is and where you both stand. Its confusing and detrimental to hold somebody to an expectation that theyre not even aware of. Speak up. Let them know what you expect of them and let them tell you what they expect of you. Teach them how to create boundaries with others. This contract you have with them is only fair if you make it clear and abide by it.

3. We dont assume authority

Being a parent is a delicate dance. On one hand, we want to be the authority figure, the disciplined teacher, the bad cop. Yet on the other, we want to be their confidant, their patient ear, their friend. The problem is you cant -- and shouldnt -- always be both.

Its not easy to discipline somebody you love, but its essential to building their character. Dont take the lazy route and just hang out with your child- consistently guide them instead. You can still be their friend and relate with them but dont let them off the hook when it counts.

4. We dont know them

Teenagers are constantly changing people, so it can be difficult to truly know who they are or are becoming, but it can be a massive slight if you dont pay enough attention.

How would you feel if someone close to you revealed that they didnt really know what mattered to you? Odds are you wont remember everything, but actively listen when they talk to you. Dont just mindlessly say, Uh-huh, and Thats great, dear. Know who they are as individuals.

5. We shame them

When we react emotionally to our teens it can cut deep. Theyre growing and learning right from wrong usually be experimenting, testing the limits or simply stumbling into them. Theyre dealing with internal struggles about body image, acceptance and self.

By all means, call them out when theyve done wrong, but discuss with them why it was wrong and ask them what they should have done instead. Relate with them and share stories of your own teenage struggle and growth.

Normalize who they are instead of shaming them: their sexual curiosity, their bodies, their stress, depression or anything else they're going through. Life can be messy and difficult, but if we face the reality of it - which is that we're all struggling with similar and different things - and let them know that its OK and that we understand because were people too, it can go a long way.

6. We lead by poor example

Our anxieties, world views and biases tend to get (unfortunately) passed down to our children. In the end, we are usually their first and longest lasting role models. Parents arent perfect, but the best thing we can do is try to better ourselves. Telling them, Do what I say, not what I do isnt likely to be very effective in the long run.

Success in life, love and career is often dependent on relationships. The relationship we build with our teens sets the stage for most -- if not all -- of their future relationships. Its far better to make it a healthy, open and honest one, dont you think?
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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