Torkildson lives in Provo, Utah. He dreams constantly about going back to live and teach in Thailand, where he lived for 5 years.
As you shop for groceries you have probably noticed that all the big food companies are expanding their cereal options. Everything from quinoa to spelt, and beyond, is now being popped, puffed and popularized for your breakfast nutrition. In order to keep you up-to-date we’d like to offer a brief description of the 6 most recent cereal creations. Bon appetite!
Sawdustios. This chewy cereal is chockfull of cellulose fiber, the same kind of fiber that keeps beavers so healthy and active all year round. Have you seen the teeth on a beaver? They are huge. You, too, can have the ability to gnaw your way through wood paneling in a trice when you have a bowl of Sawdustios each morning.
Sugar Snax. Let’s face it; what you want in the morning from a cereal is a sugar rush – a blast that will propel you out the door and into the jungle at work where you have to claw your way to the top. Sugar Snax is pure cane sugar – no wheat, no oats, no salt, no nothin’ but sugar in concentrated little pellets. Don’t even bother to pour milk over them. Gobble them up, washed down with a pint of hot black coffee, and your manager will think Genghis Khan has invaded the office.
Drecky. You know how the kids are always begging you to buy some dumb cereal that has a ‘prize’ inside? Now you can shut the little finks up with Drecky, because it contains NO cereal whatsoever; just a bunch of cheap plastic toys made in China that pose a choking hazard to children of all ages. Pour them a bowlful and watch their greedy little eyes light up as they scoop up their loot and run off to school, without having dirtied a single spoon in your immaculate kitchen. Way to go, mom!
Meaties. For the ‘au jus’ crowd, those tired of starting the day without the taste of blood. Meaties are hunks of raw meat marinated in the juices of more raw meat, and preserved with gunpowder and Copenhagen snuff. This stuff not only grows hair on your chest, but on the palms of your hands when there’s a full moon.
Bug Bits. This is the stuff that used to go into hotdogs; now they mix it together with bran mash and force it through an extruder and bake it up nice and crisp. It’s organic, all right; nothing has touched it since it crawled on the processing room floor.
Funky Flakes. Just an excuse for another Fox Network cartoon franchise – The Funky Family. They’re a lovable family of kooky eccentrics, animated by a North Korean studio that has a unique drawing style (often referred to as ‘slave labor’). Each box of Flunky Flakes features a portrait of a member of the Funky family. As for as the cereal itself; it’s composed of spillage from every other cereal at the processing plant. So they call it a ‘variety mix’, and the FDA leaves them alone.