There are a couple of cats that are getting awfully close to being let out of the bag, so I might as well go ahead and get this over with.
The first cat is this: The city of Richmond Hill might be fixing to annex the Pembroke Mafia Football League.
I learned this by accident while re-reading mayor pro-tem Russ Carpenter’s recent guest column, which included this cryptic statement: "I agree, the county and city must work together. We are not ‘feuding,’ as many would have you believe."
Now read that backwards, or play it on your turntable.
If that’s not secret code for "We must annex the Pembroke Mafia Football League and Pembroke with it, and then set our sights on Pooler, Port Wentworth and Hilton Head," then I don’t know what is.
But I do know Russ.
He’s that nice fellow with 1966 Beatles hair and a Porsche who teaches government classes about Ronald Reagan’s greatness over at the soon to be old high school.
I suspect he will make a great mayor in a long tradition of great mayors that dates back to when the pilgrims first annexed Richmond Hill from the Native Americans who worked for Henry Ford, and then made them put upscale condos and pony huts on the Ogeechee.
What’s more, I also know from personal experience some Richmond Hill folks in the mover-and-shaker category get this weird light in their eye when they talk about making Richmond Hill like Hilton Head would be if Henry Ford had camped there instead.
"Remarkable living every second!" one mover will shout, in his best Rotarian "happy dollar" voice.
"Every nanosecond!" a shaker will answer, waving a fiver.
"Every, hey wait, what’s quicker than a nanosecond?"
"Thanks, Chester. Remarkable Living Every Picosecond! Let’s stick up some more billboards and annex something! New golf carts and local wines for everybody!"
"I picosecond that!"
Of course, you’re asking why Richmond Hill would want the Pembroke Mafia Football League in the first place. Whatever for, you’re wondering.
Here’s cat out of bag No. 2.
The PMFL might be in the hunt for Amazon’s new $90 gazillion world headquarters. On the down-low, we’ve applied for it.
Yep. We figure if we get Amazon, we’ll put it somewhere between the combination McDonalds/Clydes, Pembroke Advanced Communications and the Pembroke Library, depending on how much room they’ll need to fulfill wishes and whether or not we want to go around burying power poles so cars won’t hit them.
What we’ll do with it after that depends on PMFL membership, which includes several folks who have serious pull in North Bryan.
After all, we have our own navy, thanks to B.J. Clark and Ernie Mitchell, and a boy band, Ready Teddy O’Neil and the Mike Clark 1.
Trust me, you haven’t lived until you hear their salsa-banjo version of Barry White’s "Never Ever Gonna Give You Up."
We also have the King of the North, District 1 Commissioner Noah "Fat Pockets Percy" Covington, and the Queen of the Development Authority, CEO Anna Chafin.
Then there’s Mr. Smooth Sultan of Schools, Assistant Superintendent Trey Robertson, and the Polymath Prince of Pembroke, Alex Floyd, DDAD, BA, BS, Oscar Meyer. His fried baloney sliders are supposedly so good you could eat them with a fork.
Oh, and there’s Mark Rogerson, student of life at Georgia Southern (say it one more time), and that old troll himself, me.
Anyhow, I think I can speak for the group when I say we don’t intend to let anyone annex us so they can have Amazon without a fight. Or a lot of money. Money would work. Send it to me but not in care of Noah. He’s in politics. You know how it would look if he suddenly started riding around in his own new golfcart, saying things like "picosecond" and "remarkable" in his Russ Carpenter haircut.
Now, on to the important stuff, like college football.
Our standings after nine weeks go like this. Ted’s still in first with 29 misses so far. Anna and Justin have 31 misses; B.J. is third with 34 misses; Noah has 36 misses and is fourth; Ernie has 39 misses and is fifth; Mark is in sixth with 40 misses; Mike’s seventh with 41 misses; Trey, the rascal, is eighth with 45 misses; Alex has 49 misses for ninth and I’m in last with 54 misses. Mostly, this is because I pick with my feet. If my left foot is in front of my right foot, I pick the team on the left. If my right foot is in front of my left foot, I flip a coin. You see how that works.
This week’s games:
Auburn vs Texas: Alex picks A&M, everybody else takes Auburn except me. I’m taking South Carolina to beat Georgia. If they win, I go 15-0. If they lose, I go 0-15. Yep.
Tulane vs. Cinncinatti: Everybody but me is picking the Green Wave. I’m taking South Carolina.
Georgia Tech vs. Virginia: Everybody’s taking the Rambling Wreck to rebound. Except me. Go Gamecocks.
LSU vs. Bama; Everybody but me is taking Alabama. I’m picking the Gamecocks over Georgia.
Ole Miss vs. Kentucky: Noah says Rebels, everybody else but me is going with Wildcats. Go Gamecocks.
Ohio State vs. Iowa: It’s 99.9 percent Buckeye. The other .01 percent, me, says Gamecocks beat Georgia.
South Carolina vs. Georgia: It’s me against the entire Pembroke Mafia. I say Gamecocks, the rest say Dogs. But to paraphrase an old cliche, you’d have to spot them the "DAWG" and maybe the "S" for them to be able to spell it.
Georgia State vs. Georgia Southern: Ernie and Anna take Georgia State, rest of Mafia picks Southern. Except me. Of course.
Army vs. Air Force: Mike, Trey and Noah, being real Americans, take the Army to win. The others pick that scouting organization, the Air Force. Except for me. I’ve been over that already though, won’t belabor the point. Go Gamecocks.
Stanford vs. Washington. I don’t care who picks what in this one, but I’m picking the Gamecocks.
Minnesota vs. Michigan: Noah goes out on a limb and picks Minnesota, the only one to do so. He’d better hope they win, since he’ll need it to counteract that Georgia loss. Go Gamecocks. (I know, it’s going to be my fault if the Gamecocks lose this thing. Oliver’s Woofing Theorem will rear it’s ugly head.)
Penn State vs. Michigan State: Two northern teams from northern states. Mark and Ted, a Michigan State alumnus who is Michiganese, take the Spartans. Everybody else except me picks Penn State.
Central Florida vs. SMU: The Knights. And Gamecocks.
Florida vs. Missouri: So Mark, Ted, Noah and Anna pick the Gators, apparently under some kind of delusion. Everybody else picks Missouri, because sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two lessers. Except me. I’m taking the Gamecocks.
Have a great weekend and watch out for Noah. I hear he got loose again.
PS. I’m running the Rock and Roll Marathon on Saturday, the full 26.2 miles. Well, maybe "running" is overstating it a bit. I intend to finish the thing in seven hours. If you see me out there, say howdy.
I’ll be the guy who looks like a used 1973 Ford Pinto.